I foster for the SPCA and rescue societies. I have for years.
Today I got my 77th foster dog. He is a 10 month old Newfoundland dog I've named "Blue"...
Blue is huge although huge seems like almost some sort of understatement when you see this dog.
He has the heart of an angel and after only having him in my house for 8 hours, I can see the gentle side of his beautiful soul and I'm so happy for having been around him.
He was at another foster home for 2 days but they couldn't even make him come inside their house.
Within 10 minutes here, he was inside my house and laying on my feet.
Maybe we each just need our 'comfort zone' and we flourish there.
Maybe that is the secret to life.
Pick your friends and pick your situations where you always look like a super hero and you'll do well.
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Saturday, January 6, 2007
I'll trade you 10 smarties............
Have you ever noticed we make deals with ourselves?
If I get that new job, I'll work 3 hours each night at home.
If I don't have cancer in my ass, I'll change my whole life. !!!!
I remember sitting outside my doctor's office trying not to choke on my diagnosis. I have cancer.
I leaned my head on my steering wheel and I thought of my promise to myself. I didn't have to change my life.
What was I thinking?
Of course, I have to change my life. I got cancer didn't I? I obviously wasn't feeding the body the way that I should have. I didn't do something right. I needed to change some things.
After I finished my treatment, I was more convinced that I needed to change a whole shit-load of stuff and get serious about making positive changes to my life in order to actually stay in it.:)
I was watching a discovery show called "Flip that house". It is a show about doing some renovations to an existing house to make it bigger, badder and stronger.
Maybe that was the ticket for me.
I started a buddy group changing little things day by day to get there. I find that I get over-loaded if I have to do it all freaking today.
I can commit to drinking water and not eating bread for a week and so can my online friends.
They say that it takes 6 weeks for a habit to be made or broken and baby steps are the way to go I think.
We as a group are doing things one week at a time and getting used to those things before adding another.
Maybe at the end of the day, this is the secret to life and to living.
We evaluate where we are each day and we stretch that threshold one day a week and try and do something better.
What a great world it would be if we ALL lived our lives this way.
If I get that new job, I'll work 3 hours each night at home.
If I don't have cancer in my ass, I'll change my whole life. !!!!
I remember sitting outside my doctor's office trying not to choke on my diagnosis. I have cancer.
I leaned my head on my steering wheel and I thought of my promise to myself. I didn't have to change my life.
What was I thinking?
Of course, I have to change my life. I got cancer didn't I? I obviously wasn't feeding the body the way that I should have. I didn't do something right. I needed to change some things.
After I finished my treatment, I was more convinced that I needed to change a whole shit-load of stuff and get serious about making positive changes to my life in order to actually stay in it.:)
I was watching a discovery show called "Flip that house". It is a show about doing some renovations to an existing house to make it bigger, badder and stronger.
Maybe that was the ticket for me.
I started a buddy group changing little things day by day to get there. I find that I get over-loaded if I have to do it all freaking today.
I can commit to drinking water and not eating bread for a week and so can my online friends.
They say that it takes 6 weeks for a habit to be made or broken and baby steps are the way to go I think.
We as a group are doing things one week at a time and getting used to those things before adding another.
Maybe at the end of the day, this is the secret to life and to living.
We evaluate where we are each day and we stretch that threshold one day a week and try and do something better.
What a great world it would be if we ALL lived our lives this way.
I believe in things I can't see
I was always the optimist skipping down the street humming to a tune. The sky was blue. The people were honest and no one would steer you wrong. People would always help you out and you always had something to be thankful for at the end of each day.
Cancer has changed me yes, but I'm still skipping down the street and I'm still humming that same damn song.....
Why is that?
I've thought about this late at night when I'm feeling dejected.
Why haven't I developed a hardened layer keeping to myself and protecting myself from the great hurts of the world?
I believe in karma, serendipity and fate.
I believe that everything is exactly as it should be. I am only a mere participant in this huge play of life that is going on all around me.
If I look really close, I can gain incredible amounts of knowledge and fore-sight from my experiences and how I see those experiences playing off of other ones that have happened already.
There are people that I've never met or laid eyes on who have provided me with comfort and solace. Yet, we've never met. We've never hugged. We've never even set foot in front of the other person and yet I've never felt such love or caring.
I admit to rooting for someone's pregnancy on FF when I first joined it...(FF is short for fertility friend...an online community for women trying to get pregnant and have healthy babies.) I have now logged over 4000 posts on FF and its gotten way beyond rooting for some anonymous person's positive pregnancy test)
Technology allows us to not leave our house and yet converse with others. This is the wave of the future.
When I was first diagnosed, I sent out posts on some of these communities sharing my plight and how I decided to deal with it.
I have never been shown such love and compassion in my whole life. The outpouring of solidarity was amazing.
Maybe it is my ability to believe in these unseen things that has allowed me to get rid of my cancer and maybe use my new improved abilities to show others?
Cancer has changed me yes, but I'm still skipping down the street and I'm still humming that same damn song.....
Why is that?
I've thought about this late at night when I'm feeling dejected.
Why haven't I developed a hardened layer keeping to myself and protecting myself from the great hurts of the world?
I believe in karma, serendipity and fate.
I believe that everything is exactly as it should be. I am only a mere participant in this huge play of life that is going on all around me.
If I look really close, I can gain incredible amounts of knowledge and fore-sight from my experiences and how I see those experiences playing off of other ones that have happened already.
There are people that I've never met or laid eyes on who have provided me with comfort and solace. Yet, we've never met. We've never hugged. We've never even set foot in front of the other person and yet I've never felt such love or caring.
I admit to rooting for someone's pregnancy on FF when I first joined it...(FF is short for fertility friend...an online community for women trying to get pregnant and have healthy babies.) I have now logged over 4000 posts on FF and its gotten way beyond rooting for some anonymous person's positive pregnancy test)
Technology allows us to not leave our house and yet converse with others. This is the wave of the future.
When I was first diagnosed, I sent out posts on some of these communities sharing my plight and how I decided to deal with it.
I have never been shown such love and compassion in my whole life. The outpouring of solidarity was amazing.
Maybe it is my ability to believe in these unseen things that has allowed me to get rid of my cancer and maybe use my new improved abilities to show others?
You wanna put your penis where?.....
How can a female get radiation to her pelvic area TWENTY FOUR times and not be told what to expect afterwards in regards to...umm...you know...shagging...doing the dirty deed...trying to have a baby...or just getting banged cause you want to...you know what I'm talking about people...that sex word....
Firstly, there is the very important fact that you went 24 times and propped yourself up on a table while the 'others' sent high doses of radiation to your ass and to your 'wahoo'.
Saying it was burnt is a complete and utter understatement. I was FREAKING FRIED TO A CRISP.
Then there is the little tidbit of never being able to have another child. Why have sex then? Isn't our sole purpose in life to add to the good of the world by having more babies? Passing on our genes and resting in the knowledge that we might get that golden egg this month and a few moons later bear a baby with uncle Joe's nose and aunt Gertrude's eyes?
Throw into the mix going into immediate menopause and you've got quite the mess of mixed emotions and uncertainty in your role as a female.
I've lost the ability to read my cervical mucous to see where I'm at in my monthly cycles. Hell, I don't even have any monthly cycles anymore. I have not had a period in over 128 days and counting.
Does that make me a eunich? :)
I haven't been feeling very sexually sexy as of late. I feel sexy but in a much different way.
I wear this invisible badge of courage and I wear it well. It shows itself in how I talk and how I relate to others. Although it cannot be seen by anyone, it is felt by everyone that I meet now. I can feel it. The strength is strong in this one...heheheh
I just don't feel like jumping on board of someone and rocking their world.
Maybe its cause my world has been rocked so much lately. That might even be an understatement.
I really don't want to have sex. I know it and so does my partner.
I want to be cuddled. I want to be held and fall asleep and not have dreams about things left to do......
I want to stay up late by the fire and talk about the things that I should have told someone, man, anyone a long time ago.
A few months from now, I'm sure my opinion on sex will change and I'll have a few drinks of red wine (panty remover for us ladies in our 30's or 40's) and I'll feel a need to feel like a woman again.
I just don't right now.
I'm not quite back with feeling safe being a woman yet. I'm still way too busy relishing in just being a survivor and having tomorrow.
Firstly, there is the very important fact that you went 24 times and propped yourself up on a table while the 'others' sent high doses of radiation to your ass and to your 'wahoo'.
Saying it was burnt is a complete and utter understatement. I was FREAKING FRIED TO A CRISP.
Then there is the little tidbit of never being able to have another child. Why have sex then? Isn't our sole purpose in life to add to the good of the world by having more babies? Passing on our genes and resting in the knowledge that we might get that golden egg this month and a few moons later bear a baby with uncle Joe's nose and aunt Gertrude's eyes?
Throw into the mix going into immediate menopause and you've got quite the mess of mixed emotions and uncertainty in your role as a female.
I've lost the ability to read my cervical mucous to see where I'm at in my monthly cycles. Hell, I don't even have any monthly cycles anymore. I have not had a period in over 128 days and counting.
Does that make me a eunich? :)
I haven't been feeling very sexually sexy as of late. I feel sexy but in a much different way.
I wear this invisible badge of courage and I wear it well. It shows itself in how I talk and how I relate to others. Although it cannot be seen by anyone, it is felt by everyone that I meet now. I can feel it. The strength is strong in this one...heheheh
I just don't feel like jumping on board of someone and rocking their world.
Maybe its cause my world has been rocked so much lately. That might even be an understatement.
I really don't want to have sex. I know it and so does my partner.
I want to be cuddled. I want to be held and fall asleep and not have dreams about things left to do......
I want to stay up late by the fire and talk about the things that I should have told someone, man, anyone a long time ago.
A few months from now, I'm sure my opinion on sex will change and I'll have a few drinks of red wine (panty remover for us ladies in our 30's or 40's) and I'll feel a need to feel like a woman again.
I just don't right now.
I'm not quite back with feeling safe being a woman yet. I'm still way too busy relishing in just being a survivor and having tomorrow.
Who the hell is 'Murphy' anyways?
I've never met Murphy although he seems to know where I live and where I shop.
He knows when I will be somewhere and he seems to always know when to show himself to make me believe in such amazing and crazy-ass circumstances.
Case in point:
1. I am a hard-core biker. (Please insert 200k on awesome Bianchi racing bike and you get the picture...) The absolute worse place to get cancer for me is in MY ASS (thank you very much)
2. When I first found my treatment dates, I made an appointment to have my long, blond, curly hair cut off. There was NO way I was going to find it in piles on my pillow one morning. 20 minutes before my appointment with the buzz-saw I found out I WOULD NOT lose my hair...whew
3. As a female, I curse the monthly visits from Aunt Flo. I don't know how many times I wished I never had another period for as long as I lived. I actually cried when I received a dose of radiation to my ovaries that would forever take them away. It only took 8 seconds to take that dream and ram it into the ground and kill it in an instant. I sucked it up though and got up off of the cold slab of steel with my head high. I put my clothes back on and I hugged my son and I knew I gave up the ability to have another child permanently just so I could hold him temporarily.
4. When a radiation oncologist tells you that your radiation burns will be 'open and painful', they really have no damn idea what they are talking about. My 'wahoo' was burnt to a crisp and the only comfort I got was sitting in a tub for about 10 hours a day. Oh sorry, maybe that really is only 'open and painful.'
5. How many times have you said, "I have no idea where that person gets their strength from?" I have no idea how many times i said it. I was always bewildered with seeing others come up with this inhumane strength to do things and now I know why. THE WILL TO LIVE. It is strong in me as its strong in everyone else. We are all afraid of dying. Why wouldn't we be? We all have lives and at least ONE person who would be sad if we died tomorrow. All of our lives have a purpose here. When you are presented with the prize behind door #4 and its death, damn rights we wanna live.
6. We all think we have it so bad. Nope, you don't. There is always someone out there with a better 'hard-luck' story than the book that you're carrying. Get over it.
I'll add more to this FOR SURE......
He knows when I will be somewhere and he seems to always know when to show himself to make me believe in such amazing and crazy-ass circumstances.
Case in point:
1. I am a hard-core biker. (Please insert 200k on awesome Bianchi racing bike and you get the picture...) The absolute worse place to get cancer for me is in MY ASS (thank you very much)
2. When I first found my treatment dates, I made an appointment to have my long, blond, curly hair cut off. There was NO way I was going to find it in piles on my pillow one morning. 20 minutes before my appointment with the buzz-saw I found out I WOULD NOT lose my hair...whew
3. As a female, I curse the monthly visits from Aunt Flo. I don't know how many times I wished I never had another period for as long as I lived. I actually cried when I received a dose of radiation to my ovaries that would forever take them away. It only took 8 seconds to take that dream and ram it into the ground and kill it in an instant. I sucked it up though and got up off of the cold slab of steel with my head high. I put my clothes back on and I hugged my son and I knew I gave up the ability to have another child permanently just so I could hold him temporarily.
4. When a radiation oncologist tells you that your radiation burns will be 'open and painful', they really have no damn idea what they are talking about. My 'wahoo' was burnt to a crisp and the only comfort I got was sitting in a tub for about 10 hours a day. Oh sorry, maybe that really is only 'open and painful.'
5. How many times have you said, "I have no idea where that person gets their strength from?" I have no idea how many times i said it. I was always bewildered with seeing others come up with this inhumane strength to do things and now I know why. THE WILL TO LIVE. It is strong in me as its strong in everyone else. We are all afraid of dying. Why wouldn't we be? We all have lives and at least ONE person who would be sad if we died tomorrow. All of our lives have a purpose here. When you are presented with the prize behind door #4 and its death, damn rights we wanna live.
6. We all think we have it so bad. Nope, you don't. There is always someone out there with a better 'hard-luck' story than the book that you're carrying. Get over it.
I'll add more to this FOR SURE......
I LOVE that guy named NED
You know that something big is going on when you wake up in the morning and find '24' messages wishing you the best and rooting for you !!! :)
My first post treatment check is now complete and I am deemed NED. (no evidence of disease)
Its a great feeling having accomplished this. The chemo and radiation wreck freaking havoc on your body and I'd like to hope that the permanent tattoos I received were so worth it.
After my examination, my oncologist asked me if I would be interested in being a part of a focus group involving 12 oncologists and psychologists. The purpose of the focus group is to determine how doctors and the medical establishment in general can be more emotionally supportive to survivors AFTER they have finished treatment.
It still amazes me that seeing a psychologist is considered 'optional' after you've been diagnosed with the big C. How can anyone think that they DON'T need someone to talk to?
I have now finished the 2nd hurdle in setting up cancer support meetings with the Canadian Cancer Society. I have one more meeting to get under my belt and then hopefully i'll be doing a bit of training and running my own meetings in about a month or so.
Can you imagine another positive coming out of this whole freaking mess I called a cancer journey?
My first post treatment check is now complete and I am deemed NED. (no evidence of disease)
Its a great feeling having accomplished this. The chemo and radiation wreck freaking havoc on your body and I'd like to hope that the permanent tattoos I received were so worth it.
After my examination, my oncologist asked me if I would be interested in being a part of a focus group involving 12 oncologists and psychologists. The purpose of the focus group is to determine how doctors and the medical establishment in general can be more emotionally supportive to survivors AFTER they have finished treatment.
It still amazes me that seeing a psychologist is considered 'optional' after you've been diagnosed with the big C. How can anyone think that they DON'T need someone to talk to?
I have now finished the 2nd hurdle in setting up cancer support meetings with the Canadian Cancer Society. I have one more meeting to get under my belt and then hopefully i'll be doing a bit of training and running my own meetings in about a month or so.
Can you imagine another positive coming out of this whole freaking mess I called a cancer journey?
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
The time has come the walrus said to talk of many things....
The night before the day has finally arrived.
I am now done my treatment for cancer and will tomorrow be embarking on the journey called 'evaluation.' Has it come back?
Will the PET scan or the CT scan show that all the 'crap' i went through to still the mighty beast actually show him to be dead?
I named my cancer "Hank".
In my entire life, I have never known a nice Hank so I thought it fitting to name something that might actually take my life in the worst case scenerio. In the best, he'd just 'wring my clock' for awhile and never make me forget that he and I are the 'bestest' of friends now.
I wonder what the 'etiquette' is for activities on the night prior to the 'evaluation?'
I sit here sipping a good glass of red while my daughter runs around with her sleep-over buddy and it almost seems like I didn't even go through a couple of months of daily doctor visits and dragging myself out of bed in the morning just cause "I had to."
Life is tougher living 'after' having cancer than anything I have ever done.
The lack of 'life control' is sometimes overwhelming to an irish lass who is used to 'running the show.'
The way that I see it, tomorrow could go one of two ways.
I could be given an 'A' to match how I feel right now. The beast would be gone out of my ass and I will see my kids grow up to be functioning adults and I'll proudly be a chubby grandma wearing 'lavender' to a wedding quite a few years from now and I will be so thankful and forever smiling.
I could also be given an 'F' and will leave the cancer clinic so dejected to go home and hug my kids and cry in private because all of the things that I promised them that I would do, would no longer occur. I was a fake. I didn't follow through.
If the will to live has a damn thing to do with it, I will be given an 'A' and also a gold star.
The treatment although quick was a definite challenge to your will to live and your endurance for pain. The memory is so fresh in my mind still.
All it takes is one look from my son to reinforce that I would walk in there again with my head in the air and get under the radiation machine i've named, "sparky" and let him hit me to the ends of the earth if required.
2006 was a pretty shitty year for me. Man, that sounds ironic, no?
I'm hoping for nothing but the best for 2007.
The treatment for cancer would be enough to go through.
Having gone through an 'experimental' gene therapy protocol with 1/2 of standard therapy in terms of radiation and chemotherapy, I am both feeling amazing and fearful at the same time.
If it works, I will be a super-hero. I will be relegated to the upper echelons where the frontiersmen for modern science lay their 'blankies.'
If it does not, I and all of my 'history' will be filed away under some clinical trial data where I will sit collecting dust until sometimes decides that a different ingredient might have actually have saved my life.
I would jump again if given a chance to do a clinical trial.
What does one really have to lose?
Ummm, let's see....I have a one year old baby and i'm only 40 and a teenage daughter who is 11 going on 20.
I have everything to lose and it is because of this that I chose to participate in something that might actually save the world.
The things we have to pass on don't involve money usually. It is the things that money cannot buy that separate our 'swag' into 2 piles aptly named "junk" and "precious."
No matter what the grade I hear tomorrow, I am prepared as best as I can be.
I have evaluated my life a lot lately and I am confident to say that I've done pretty good.
We've all heard the question, "If you died tomorrow, would you be happy for what you've done up to today?"
I can honestly say that I actually have.
I hope that this bides me well for the first check-up tomorrow and by 5 pm, I can sit down for another 90 days and thank God that I had another 3 months.
I am now done my treatment for cancer and will tomorrow be embarking on the journey called 'evaluation.' Has it come back?
Will the PET scan or the CT scan show that all the 'crap' i went through to still the mighty beast actually show him to be dead?
I named my cancer "Hank".
In my entire life, I have never known a nice Hank so I thought it fitting to name something that might actually take my life in the worst case scenerio. In the best, he'd just 'wring my clock' for awhile and never make me forget that he and I are the 'bestest' of friends now.
I wonder what the 'etiquette' is for activities on the night prior to the 'evaluation?'
I sit here sipping a good glass of red while my daughter runs around with her sleep-over buddy and it almost seems like I didn't even go through a couple of months of daily doctor visits and dragging myself out of bed in the morning just cause "I had to."
Life is tougher living 'after' having cancer than anything I have ever done.
The lack of 'life control' is sometimes overwhelming to an irish lass who is used to 'running the show.'
The way that I see it, tomorrow could go one of two ways.
I could be given an 'A' to match how I feel right now. The beast would be gone out of my ass and I will see my kids grow up to be functioning adults and I'll proudly be a chubby grandma wearing 'lavender' to a wedding quite a few years from now and I will be so thankful and forever smiling.
I could also be given an 'F' and will leave the cancer clinic so dejected to go home and hug my kids and cry in private because all of the things that I promised them that I would do, would no longer occur. I was a fake. I didn't follow through.
If the will to live has a damn thing to do with it, I will be given an 'A' and also a gold star.
The treatment although quick was a definite challenge to your will to live and your endurance for pain. The memory is so fresh in my mind still.
All it takes is one look from my son to reinforce that I would walk in there again with my head in the air and get under the radiation machine i've named, "sparky" and let him hit me to the ends of the earth if required.
2006 was a pretty shitty year for me. Man, that sounds ironic, no?
I'm hoping for nothing but the best for 2007.
The treatment for cancer would be enough to go through.
Having gone through an 'experimental' gene therapy protocol with 1/2 of standard therapy in terms of radiation and chemotherapy, I am both feeling amazing and fearful at the same time.
If it works, I will be a super-hero. I will be relegated to the upper echelons where the frontiersmen for modern science lay their 'blankies.'
If it does not, I and all of my 'history' will be filed away under some clinical trial data where I will sit collecting dust until sometimes decides that a different ingredient might have actually have saved my life.
I would jump again if given a chance to do a clinical trial.
What does one really have to lose?
Ummm, let's see....I have a one year old baby and i'm only 40 and a teenage daughter who is 11 going on 20.
I have everything to lose and it is because of this that I chose to participate in something that might actually save the world.
The things we have to pass on don't involve money usually. It is the things that money cannot buy that separate our 'swag' into 2 piles aptly named "junk" and "precious."
No matter what the grade I hear tomorrow, I am prepared as best as I can be.
I have evaluated my life a lot lately and I am confident to say that I've done pretty good.
We've all heard the question, "If you died tomorrow, would you be happy for what you've done up to today?"
I can honestly say that I actually have.
I hope that this bides me well for the first check-up tomorrow and by 5 pm, I can sit down for another 90 days and thank God that I had another 3 months.
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