You wanna put your penis where?.....

How can a female get radiation to her pelvic area TWENTY FOUR times and not be told what to expect afterwards in regards to...umm...you know...shagging...doing the dirty deed...trying to have a baby...or just getting banged cause you want to...you know what I'm talking about people...that sex word....

Firstly, there is the very important fact that you went 24 times and propped yourself up on a table while the 'others' sent high doses of radiation to your ass and to your 'wahoo'.

Saying it was burnt is a complete and utter understatement. I was FREAKING FRIED TO A CRISP.

Then there is the little tidbit of never being able to have another child. Why have sex then? Isn't our sole purpose in life to add to the good of the world by having more babies? Passing on our genes and resting in the knowledge that we might get that golden egg this month and a few moons later bear a baby with uncle Joe's nose and aunt Gertrude's eyes?

Throw into the mix going into immediate menopause and you've got quite the mess of mixed emotions and uncertainty in your role as a female.

I've lost the ability to read my cervical mucous to see where I'm at in my monthly cycles. Hell, I don't even have any monthly cycles anymore. I have not had a period in over 128 days and counting.

Does that make me a eunich? :)

I haven't been feeling very sexually sexy as of late. I feel sexy but in a much different way.

I wear this invisible badge of courage and I wear it well. It shows itself in how I talk and how I relate to others. Although it cannot be seen by anyone, it is felt by everyone that I meet now. I can feel it. The strength is strong in this one...heheheh

I just don't feel like jumping on board of someone and rocking their world.

Maybe its cause my world has been rocked so much lately. That might even be an understatement.

I really don't want to have sex. I know it and so does my partner.

I want to be cuddled. I want to be held and fall asleep and not have dreams about things left to do......

I want to stay up late by the fire and talk about the things that I should have told someone, man, anyone a long time ago.

A few months from now, I'm sure my opinion on sex will change and I'll have a few drinks of red wine (panty remover for us ladies in our 30's or 40's) and I'll feel a need to feel like a woman again.

I just don't right now.

I'm not quite back with feeling safe being a woman yet. I'm still way too busy relishing in just being a survivor and having tomorrow.