I am anonymous

After the kids are in bed, I blog.

I checked tonight and I have logged over 1000 hours writing stories or drafts or trying to make this story of my life a bit more 'prettier.'

No one in my home has read my blog or even knows of its existence. I write at night with a candle burning in the background and I listen to some 'cafe jazz' and I just write whatever I'm thinking.

I go to work during the day and no one ever sees my scribbling down notes or seeing something that reminds me to write about that tonight or maybe tomorrow night.

I see things now everyday that I want to tell and I want to talk about. I want to feel so great inside at the end of the day, that I feel peace then and a sense of accomplishment.

Thus, the story behind this blog.

It started out as a 'secret' of mine and slowly turned into something I'd never imagined.

I can sit late at night and I can say 'whatever' I like and feel no fear of anyone refuting what I say. My grammar does not ever get questioned and I can end a story at any time that I wish.

The 2 hours a day I spend writing has proved to be one of the 'best' things that I could have ever done.

Very seldom we get the opportunity to sit back and really 'see' what we did and thought 3 years ago in time.

It frees your soul and lifts your spirits and you think a bit more about things that you should have thought about a long time ago but sadly didn't.

It gives you a chance to go back in time and try and fix the wrongs and explain the maybes and embrace the positives.

I often wonder why I don't share my blogging world with the people that are closest to me? I am not shy nor do I shy away from my beliefs or things that I stand behind 100%.

I am 'straight as an arrow' and if I think the sky is blue, the sky is blue to me. And yet, I've gone through some things that I really don't want to share with a whole bunch of people although I do here.

The idea of my cancer coming back scares me to my core. I am strong but I live in fear for at least a few minutes each day. I think its pretty normal to feel that way and if not, I'm screwed....:) hehehe

I will admit that I still wake up in sweats sometimes and I do admit to getting down sometimes when I find out another one of 'us' died today and I wonder why I didn't?

The cycle will never end and thus why I write.

I've read so, so many blogs about people with cancer dying that I wanted to do one about someone actually 'living'.

We all hear about the horrors of cancer and we forget about the greatness of having cancer.

I wouldn't wish it upon anyone that I know but I cannot say really that its been such a bad thing for 'me'.

My heart is way bigger and I think that sometimes I glow with a calm and a bit of maybe, peace that I didn't have before.

I will fight it again if the beast comes back, believe you me.

But for now, I will wait and I will be happy and I will write and others can see that yup, there are survivors and sometimes they are anonymous.