Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I am anonymous

After the kids are in bed, I blog.

I checked tonight and I have logged over 1000 hours writing stories or drafts or trying to make this story of my life a bit more 'prettier.'

No one in my home has read my blog or even knows of its existence. I write at night with a candle burning in the background and I listen to some 'cafe jazz' and I just write whatever I'm thinking.

I go to work during the day and no one ever sees my scribbling down notes or seeing something that reminds me to write about that tonight or maybe tomorrow night.

I see things now everyday that I want to tell and I want to talk about. I want to feel so great inside at the end of the day, that I feel peace then and a sense of accomplishment.

Thus, the story behind this blog.

It started out as a 'secret' of mine and slowly turned into something I'd never imagined.

I can sit late at night and I can say 'whatever' I like and feel no fear of anyone refuting what I say. My grammar does not ever get questioned and I can end a story at any time that I wish.

The 2 hours a day I spend writing has proved to be one of the 'best' things that I could have ever done.

Very seldom we get the opportunity to sit back and really 'see' what we did and thought 3 years ago in time.

It frees your soul and lifts your spirits and you think a bit more about things that you should have thought about a long time ago but sadly didn't.

It gives you a chance to go back in time and try and fix the wrongs and explain the maybes and embrace the positives.

I often wonder why I don't share my blogging world with the people that are closest to me? I am not shy nor do I shy away from my beliefs or things that I stand behind 100%.

I am 'straight as an arrow' and if I think the sky is blue, the sky is blue to me. And yet, I've gone through some things that I really don't want to share with a whole bunch of people although I do here.

The idea of my cancer coming back scares me to my core. I am strong but I live in fear for at least a few minutes each day. I think its pretty normal to feel that way and if not, I'm screwed....:) hehehe

I will admit that I still wake up in sweats sometimes and I do admit to getting down sometimes when I find out another one of 'us' died today and I wonder why I didn't?

The cycle will never end and thus why I write.

I've read so, so many blogs about people with cancer dying that I wanted to do one about someone actually 'living'.

We all hear about the horrors of cancer and we forget about the greatness of having cancer.

I wouldn't wish it upon anyone that I know but I cannot say really that its been such a bad thing for 'me'.

My heart is way bigger and I think that sometimes I glow with a calm and a bit of maybe, peace that I didn't have before.

I will fight it again if the beast comes back, believe you me.

But for now, I will wait and I will be happy and I will write and others can see that yup, there are survivors and sometimes they are anonymous.

Monday, December 29, 2008

The lemonade stand

2009 is almost upon us and I've finally decided what my new year's resolution is going to be.

My goal is to create a virtual 'lemonade stand' to show others that greatness can come from something so normally bitter. I want them to see.

I am going to respond to the lonesome soul on Craigslist who posts wanting a new friend as he has no one. I am going to extend my olive branch and let him see that there is still good in the world if you only look for it.

I am going to show my kids that adversity does breed character. I will show my kids that its about 'what you give' and not 'what you get.' There is oh, such a difference.

I want my dear sweet boyfriend to see that love is something to be worked on and nurtured and I want to show him that its really magical and full of hugs and kisses and understanding and love.

I want him to put the ring that we picked on my finger with love and I want him to see the love growing from within both of us. I want him to see the gentle soul that I have within that is yearning to come out and feel the sunshine and laugh in the rain and jump in the puddles.

I am going to go to the gym and show myself that bodies can be fixed after they have been broken and they can be better than before. So much better than before.

I am going to pay for the guy's coffee in the drive-thru line up after me. He will never see me or thank me but he will always remember the 2.00 contribution that I spent making MY day and not his. I will do this every-time I want a java fix and a 'me' fix.

I am going to learn how to use my new camera to forever capture what is dear to my heart to show my kids what I am about. I want them to understand me and love me and appreciate all that I value that doesn't have a dollar figure attached to it. I want them to have my memories so they too can see what I see is important.

I want to wake up each morning and do something good for someone else and I want to re-live it again before I go to bed. I want to have that feeling of knowing I did something good today. I want it EVERY day.

I want to take every little bit of knowledge that I've learned about others and about me and I want to embrace that and wrap it around dejected souls that need a lift-up to become better and understand the fragility of life.

I want to help others going through treatment that can't see the end of the road. I want to share with them the meaning of 'hope' and 'perseverance'. Its not just about today. Today is almost over. I want to show them how to embrace tomorrow as tomorrow is what we all have to strive to attain.

I want to feel puppy dog kisses and puppy dog breath from a whole bunch of dogs that are happy to be inside, safe and sound in a caring and nurturing home. I want them to see that not everyone beats them or keeps them outside. I want to see the wagging of tails and the bouncing of bodies and I want to feel them curling up behind my legs when I sleep.

I want to learn all I can about dealing with cancer. If I do this, I can help others going through what I did a few short years ago. If I have lived through it, surely I can help others going through it.

I want to show everyone that life is not about money nor is it about the car that you drive or the clothes that you wear. No one will remember that at the end of the day.

Life is really all about setting up your own virtual 'lemonade stand' and handing it out to everyone you meet.

I embrace my task at hand and I will wear my camo and my lipstick and I will try to hand out 'lemonade' to everyone that I meet.

Life is really a bunch of lemons. The trick to surviving life is knowing that what you see in your hands as lemons might not be really lemons, after all. :)

Cheers and a good-bye to 2008.

"Head down, tail up and get 'er done". (another mantra of mine:)

Saturday, December 27, 2008

On the 30th day of the 12th month, I go home.

On the 30th day of the 12th month of each year, I go back to the cancer clinic that saved my life. The day has no significance for me really. Its just another day.

The choice of gear for my 'day' is a pair of camo pants that I have worn to every one of my chemo and radiation treatments in my own personal dance with cancer. Call it my kevlar.

I will get in my car and i'll do the drive-thru of Tim Hortons and i'll order 24 doughnuts (no cake ones please) and I'll secure them in the passenger seat till I get to the parking lot of the clinic.

I'll then tenderly support them till I get in the building and then I'll firstly, head to the chemo wing.

I'll check in the with reception but they are expecting me as they've done so for the last 3 years.

The receptionist with smile at me and take one pack of doughnuts and hide them under her desk like a prize cause she knows how many smiles hide in that plain brown cardboard box.

I walk right into the '411 mess hall' of people doing chemo. People like you and I.

I sit with them offering my fare and I try and show them that yup, you'll get through it. I did. I give them a doughnut full of chocolate and hope that they too can have a future.

I then head to to the radiation wing with the second box of comfort and I realize that I get so much out of putting 8 bucks in.

Sometimes its just as simple as a donut and a smile and good dose on 'been there, done that."

We all walk alone with cancer. We are all on a personal journey with learning abour our disease and how we choose to see and deal with it.

We all take our own path and I've decided that mine will be one full of warmth and puppy dog kisses and camo pants and doughnuts and smiles.

On the 30th, I go home and its going to feel so good to know that it was never really bad in the first place. I just thought it was.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Thank you "ME"

I installed google analytics to keep track of my blog and let me see if what I would write actually made a difference in someone's life.

I am amazed that I have reached out to so many people in my dance with cancer.

I looked back this last week at what I had written years ago when my project started and I sit here in awe.

I have readers from Australia and Russia and the middle east and all over, and I have made contact with 311 people out of the 3140 who were diagnosed with my cancer 2 short years ago.

I started this blog to alleviate my own demons and it turned into something which I never imagined.

I never imagined it to be so positive until I looked back and gave it the reflection it deserved.

It evolved into something that I never expected it to become and it is because of this, that I need to thank everyone who helped or helps me along my road of recovery from the beast called cancer.

I could never say 'thank you' enough for what each and everyone of you have done for me. Words seem inadequate in what I have been given.

Nameless faces have reached out to me when I needed it and I have returned the favor as many times as I could.

Cancer survivors have so many stories to tell you.

They have gone up to the cliff and looked over the edge and they've come back again with stories to tell if you'd only listen to the words and read the lines between.

We skip through the puddles with glee and abandon now. We have to. We might not have tomorrow but we sure have today.

Hugs more freely given and smiles more quickly felt.

My blog has opened a venue for frightened souls to seek comfort and send a cry for help to someone else in need.

What started out as something to help me turns innocently into something to help others and that is really what it is all about.

A time will come when I will die and no longer be around to tell my story.

I hope though from the bottom of my heart, that when my kids get old enough to read about my legacy and what I've always wanted for them to become and what I hoped them to achieve, that they look back at what I've written and they smile and they laugh and they think that yup, cancer freed me to become everything that they should be as well. (without the cancer)

Thank you everyone for alleviating my fears and giving me the power to want to do good by everyone else.

Under the mask

Sometimes, I get up in the morning stiff in my joints. Its not from the exercise or the chasing of kids.

Pelvic radiation makes my hips so sore sometimes that they ache without comfort ever coming for days.

I no longer get periods. I believe it was after 7 doses of radiation lasting less than 15 seconds to forever take away my monthly bleeding and my ability to conceive.

It all went so fast in the blink of any eye.

I cannot have intercourse without lubrication. Radiation took care of that. I no longer produce secretions as my glands are all fried.

I must be careful slipping on ice and breaking a hip as I now am 400% more likely to fracture my hips and thus I must be careful.

Radiation increase my chances of getting another cancer in my lifetime by a whole bunch of numbers. Ironic it is that the treatment to cure me also might kill me in the end.

My curly hair went curlier from the chemo drugs that I took. It could have gone one of two way. Lose it or it changes. Thankfully, it was the latter.

I have 4 little 'green' dots on my body to mark perfect center for the radiation beams. I hide them from others as it makes me feel marked.

I shy away from speaking about it as most think you're dying.

I'm not dying. I'm living my life to the fullest. Whatever that may be.

I quit going to meetings full of dread and bad endings and started looking for others who also wanted to live.

I reached out to others with masks much like my own. Others who have gone down a road similar to mine.

We walk as heroes and yet we aren't heroes in the sense of the word.

We are all just masked people who chose to live and are given a second chance at living.

We can't talk to others in groups cause they are filled with the dying looking for help at the end.

We are cured of our cancers and we help others who are not beating the great fight with the beast and then we are sad.

We think of the ending and yet we haven't heard yet that 'it' has come back.

We live in fear of the unknown and we second-guess everything.

We also need healing from the mark cancer left.

One cannot see but it is there and I feel it.

It is under my mask which I present to the world.

I keep the after-affects close to my heart as they always remind me that I survived this disease for another day.

The symptoms tell me that I did it, I lived it and I lived through it and strangely they provide comfort as I walk with my kids today and hopefully, for tomorrow.

Nothing is free and a price is always to be paid and yet, I still hide under my mask.

Does Santa Claus exist?

I remember as a child getting so excited about the magical time of Christmas and hearing stories about the season full of gifts and good memories.

Children learn about Santa and the season of giving and yet somewhere along the way, they grow up and they forget.

They forget that Santa watches them and makes them be good.

They forget how excited they became and how hopeful they were back then.

They stopped believing in the spirit of Christmas and they became less naive about the world and the goodness in it. Instead they became narrow-minded, less forgiving and the sky no longer blue.

All this because they stopped to believe.

They become adults and think Christmas as a time to part with money and then tick off the 'list' they have to get done in a flurry 'cause there is never enough time. Is there ever enough time?

Santa does exist though in the minds of us all and especially our hearts.

I tell my son this each night at this time of the year and this time cause he's asking.

"Is Santa real?"

"You bet darling.", I answer believing it to the bottom of my heart. "He really does exist."

I've seen frail, old men getting chemo so that they can buy just enough time to again see the light in the eyes of a grand-child. All they want is more time. They believe in Santa. They have to believe in Santa.

I too believed in Santa enough to finish up my chemo and be there for my kids. I never would have done it if it wasn't for Santa.

We see more compassion in others around Christmas and we see hope.

The stories of the families getting help when they need it and the belief we can provide in the spirit of the season.

How can anyone say that he doesn't exist?

Our earliest memories of Santa lay the ground-work for a belief in something you will never see nor ever touch. He magically comes at night and we believe the evidence at foot.

Faith arises by believing in something one cannot see.

So does hope.

"Yes, my little son. There does exist a man named Santa and he's coming very soon and he loves you immensely".

"He will bring you many gifts" and you'll grow up having faith and hope and really that is all I ever wanted for you anyways.

Thanks Santa

Monday, December 22, 2008

Dancing with time.

The most profound experience with having had cancer is knowing that you are on borrowed time.

We all have to die at some point or another but most of us only dream of going quickly and not having to endure pain. We cannot fathom death peeking over the horizon gently calling our name.

I consider my diagnosis so special to me in so many ways.

I go to sleep at night hoping that I did all that I could today. Did I kiss my kids? Did I kiss my hubby? Did I do everything I could to make them see how much I genuinely love them, from the bottom of my soul?

In so many ways, we dance with cancer, very intimately and loving.

We endure toxic drugs to pay for the price of seeing our kids grow up.

We endure radiation doses high enough to cause 3rd degree burns and effects lasting decades from treatments.

The survivor does this to get another day, another year or even another lifetime to buy some time to dance some more. We all love to dance.

Our world is so fixated on money and labels and making sure that 'we' are looked after that we forget sometimes about others.

The human hearts grows by giving to others and it flourished under ideal conditions of compassion and optimism and looking at the glass as half full and not empty.

Life needs to be embraced each day to the fullest. Do what makes you feel good. Give someone a coffee. Make someone smile.

If you make someone smile, I can guarantee that you will smile as well.

My mantra is now, "If it matters a year from now, worry about it. " Most of the stuff that clogs our minds isn't gonna matter one bit a year from now.

Your clean kitchen tonight isn't gonna matter next week nor is the load of laundry sitting on the washer.

A hug to your baby will matter though. Even a hug with a kiss. Read the book you always wanted but never claimed the time. Try the blond in your hair that you never had the guts to try. JUST DO IT.

We sometimes forget that life is incredibly short and most times, you don't get the 2nd chance like you do being diagnosed with cancer.

I will never take my life for granted again. It means way too much to me to be able to dance. I need to dance for quite awhile still in fact.

We forget sometimes that life is really all just a glorious dance.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Second chances


Growing up, I brought every stray dog home that I found in the streets on my way home from school.

I always made sure I found them their homes and it brought peace to my soul and a contentment in my heart to do right by all animals big and small.

People who know me would describe be as an animal 'freak.'

A few years ago, I decided to make a difference in the lives of our furry friends and I started doing foster and rescue work for various local agencies.

A dog rescued from a drug-house who found his way into mine attacked me with such ferocity that I realized I couldn't expose my son to the potentials of my hobby and I let my hobby go for awhile.

About a month ago, I decided that I still could make a difference and I could pick and choose my battles.

I have taken on the task of finding homes for dogs no longer wanted by their owners on CraigsList.

My in box gets filled with people looking to re home their dogs and people looking to find a forever pet to bring into their lives and their homes and just love it.

To date, I have re homed 89 dogs and I'm strangely proud of that fact. I am glad that my kids can see what a wonderful gift it is to help give an animal peace and protection.

These 'strangers' come into my home and my heart and the lives of my family and its a transition of sorts for them.

They sleep on blankets in the kitchen with other pets and they start to come alive again and find hope where maybe they didn't see it before in their past.

I drove 2 hours to pick up Rambo, a crazy Lhasa Apso who tonight is frolicking in the snow with his new 61 year old owner. He will never be alone.

Maggie found a new life at a dog-groomer's house and the last picture I received was of her being hugged in front of a fireplace by a 7 year old girl.

Tonight, my house is empty of hard-luck stories. I have solved them all for today.

Tomorrow might find me again trudging through snow, to bring another dog home needing a new story to tell only this time, a great story with a happy ending. The best of stories to tell.

We all should have a cause of our own. A cause that makes us sleep more sound at night.

A cause which causes our chests to expand when we speak of it. A glorious cause where a difference can be made.

I will sleep great tonight knowing that I did a good thing today. I made a difference in the life of an animal.

He cannot say thank you. He will never write me a note nor will he tell friends of my act.

I will however, receive pictures of happiness from my new friends whose lives I've made a difference in and that strangely, is more than enough thanks.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

New beginnings

I have not posted to this blog for 6 months until yesterday.

I have read past entries from being diagnosed 2 years ago with cancer to present day.

The thought crossed my mind to close my cancer blog and start something new and something perhaps a bit more positive.

I realized a few days ago that this is my life and I don't want to mask it and deny what it really was at the end of the day.

The read is a good one and its also an honest one. It calls cancer for what it is and I'm actually very happy to have written what I did, when I did. It somehow gave me closure on a few issues.

Some of you know me although most of you do not.

Most of you have never met me nor broken bread with me over a great bottle of a good red.

You would pass me by on the streets without a second glance of a perhaps recognition.

We are silent partners for the most part although I've helped you out and you've helped me as well.

I have changed the background of my blog to plain, simple white.

I don't need to hide behind the scariness of 'black' any longer and I feel now that the smiley face of a different color is a bit more appropriate than the endless black hole I had as a 'mask' for the real me before.

For any of you wondering about my current 'animal' thing, there is an update there as well which should be told and now seems like as good time as any.

I still have 4 dogs as well as a few cats. We have birds in the kitchen which is now also shared by the resident ' pot belly ' pig named Pinky who also has a blankie and a barbie purse.

I took this year off of coaching soccer as I just wanted to spend some time with my family.

I'm still working full-time in finance and rescuing unwanted dogs as a hobby after hours.

This blog will be getting an overhaul and I think its about time to start anew.

I'm hoping 'cancer squared 2' is as successful as the first one was.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine


Happy birthday Dane !!!

Today you are 3 years old and you are turning into such a great little man. I am so, so proud of you.

You are becoming such a great human being. You are turning into something that I have been molding in my mind and caressing in my heart.

The love of animals is strong in you, young man and although you are a bit rough sometimes with them, I feel in my very soul that you too will grow up understanding that you have to look after everyone, including animals in need.

I remember you being born 2 hours after I coached a soccer game in the snow.

I remember you coming into this world with 'Santa Claus is coming to town' quietly being piped into the surgery room where I had you via c-section.

I remember Dr. Still being dressed in scrubs with little reindeer all over them and I was so, so scared to have you on my own. I was so scared I was crying.

I sucked it up though knowing that I was strong enough to do it alone after your dad passed away.

I remember being so scared that you had to stay in the nursery overnight cause you were so tiny but you wanted to come out of your cocoon just a bit 'early' and start getting to know me and your big sister.

The first time that I held you in my arms was almost magical.

You looked at me with such an intensity in your eyes that I knew instantly we would all be ok.

I remember coming home and grabbing you and hugging you on the couch after I was first diagnosed with cancer.

I fed you and held back tears wondering if I was going to see you grow up.

It was then that I realized that I loved you to the absolute bottom of my soul and I was going to do whatever I need to do, to be there for you.

At 6 months old, you sat in the bath-tub with me for hours at a time. You loved splashing around and I need to alleviate my 3rd degree burns from having radiation.

It was a 'win-win' situation. Your smile made me go out to the store when I felt like 'shit' to get you a bumble-bee costume so you could go out trick-or-treating with your big sister.

You won all of the hearts of the nurses and doctors at the cancer clinic and they gave you a gold star too when I was all done with my treatment.

You empower me to become a better person and for that I am grateful.

You have shown me the wonderful mind of a child and the most endearing of hearts. You have a wonderful soul and a beautiful love of all things alive.

I have hopes for you and I have dreams for you because I love you. It is as simple as that.

It amazes me how quickly 3 years has gone by. It seems just like it happened a moment ago and all time stands still.

You have taken up such a large chunk of my heart without even asking for it. It just was what it was.

I would like to make just one wish for you on your 3rd birthday and I hope it comes true.

My wish has nothing to do with the amount of money you will make later in life nor does it have to do with the car you drive nor the house you live in.

My wish for you is that you continue to be 'just who you are' because this is what is important at the end of the day.

You lay at my feet right now wrapped in your 'blankie' while I'm doing the blogging thing and I'll finish up and gently carry you to bed and tomorrow we'll wake up and maybe find a hill and go and make some snow angels.

Happy Birthday Sweetie ..

Love Mom

The forgotten

Drug companies are on a quest to find better drugs to cure cancer in people and alleviate the pain in people who are dying from it.

Research oncologists are looking for new ways to increase the chance of surviving cancer and creating new 'cutting edge' ways to treat people with cancer.

The news is encouraging.

Cancer survival rates are ever increasing and slowly but surely, we are making strides in ridding the world of this disease.

Cancer strikes the young and the old. It does not discriminate if you are male or female. Nor does it care how much money you make or how much family you have.

I've been in remission now for over 2 years and while I feel that the scientific advances made in the cure for cancer are impressive, there are sacrifices being made in the quest for a world without cancer.

One of those sacrifices is people like me who are 'survivors'.

Maybe its just me, but I find that once I received 3 clean Ct scans, I was hustled out the door and told to give 'them a call' if I was symptomatic.

I am not the only one who made it past the finish line and I'm surely not going to be the last.

I am another statistic in the 'seers' database where all cancer treatments are kept track of.

My name is never recorded but I know that I am somewhere in the 3144 people who were diagnosed 2 years ago with my type of cancer and now I am in remission and considered cured.

Cured is defined as having no 'evidence of disease.'

I roam the earth with others deemed 'cured' and we aimlessly wander around with no guide to show us the way or help in the form of actually living with cancer instead of dying from it.

I get up in the morning and go about my day and I wait in silence.

The phone does not ring from my oncologist wondering how I'm doing.

I do not hear from the social workers who were so concerned about my mental state 2 short years ago.

Everyone one assumes that being deemed 'cured' alleviates all of my concerns and I sometimes feel guilty for occasionally feeling doubt that I am really cured.

Late at night, I peruse 'cancer' forums and I always click on the posts referring to people who are dying.

I look for signs in their words that will give me a clue if my cancer is now back as well.

Night does not come easy to me sometimes. I awake in a sweat on occasion having woken from a nightmare where I'm told that the beast has come back.

In an ideal world, there would be 'after cancer' support to the millions of people each year who don't get a death sentence when they hear that they have the dreaded 'c' word.

There would be a place where we can go to get help or encouragement or just sit with others who are afflicted by having survived cancer.

The world needs to know that once you survive it, you are never the same.

The world needs to know that getting a second chance also comes with the price of knowing what you really do have to lose.

I get emails from people all over the world reaching out to me for comfort because I've been where they are right now.

There are multiple sites online where you can get scientific data relating to our disease.

We can look at statistics and new treatments emerging that might help us if we ever get our cancers back.

Sadly, there is very little in the way of support and treatment for the 'mind' of a cancer survivor.

We live with guilt not knowing why we lived and a little boy of 4 did not.

We live with the sound of a clock ticking in the back of our minds signaling the end where most would never hear the clock ticking at all.

We deal with the unknown of symptoms from the very treatments themselves who saved our lives.

Every cancer is different and every treatment is different.

My pelvic radiation increases my chance of a hip fracture by 400%. I had to read this. I was not told this.

The whole world is based on what happens 'now' instead of what might happen 10 years from now.

There is less data collected on the after-effects on having been treated by IMRT radiation than what happens during getting IMRT radiation.

We, as survivors are left to roam the world as 'cured' cancer victims.

We are not marked in scarlet letters. We do not glow from the radiation we received. You could walk down the street and not know when you passed me by, that I had cancer.

Its as if it didn't exist at all and I wander in a sort of 'oz' type life.

Its as if its put up on a shelf in a plain, brown papered box and its forgotten.

I am forgotten.

We never speak of the horrors of our 3rd degree burns and we never say how hard it was to get up on the table to have more of it every day so we could live.

We wake in the morning and get ready for work while our hips ache from the effects of having radiated hips.

We go to bed early some nights in a sweat of unknown origin that we know is from chemo that took place almost long enough ago to forget it ever happened.

We walk the earth as heros for having survived and yet sometimes late at night, we cry in silence.

We cry for the death of an innocence that we lost long ago in happier times.

We cry for change. We should not wander alone.

No one should never feel alone and yet we do.

The world needs to hear the stories of survivors. It needs to hear the ups and the downs.

We cannot continue to sweep it under the carpet because we are too scared to hear that there are indeed prices to pay to get a second chance at life.

There is always a price to pay for everything we do.

The big drug companies have to realize that yup, you cured me but unfortunately, I have issues that I live with everyday because I survived cancer.

The oncologists have to hear that although I no longer have cancer on a CT scan, I will always have cancer in my mind.

The end of treatment for cancer and being declared cancer-free is a reason for celebration.

Unfortunately, after the cake is all gone and the hugs have been given and you go on your way home after relishing in your friend's 2nd chance at life, please remember that although the cancer is gone, the cancer survivor is not.

They still are forgotten.

Roger that...................

I have a friend named Roger who is pictured here holding my son when he was very small.

The picture always brought a tear to my eye as one can see how much he loved Dane and the light shining in through the window of the shot always made me look at this picture in almost 'awe'. I found it so breathtakingly beautiful.

Roger has been and always will be one of the 'best' of friends that anyone could ask for.

He held my hand after Dane was born and told me that I would find someone else to replace my deceased fiance.

He held my hand when I was first diagnosed with cancer and he dutifully went with me to get chemotherapy although he hated hospitals.

He helped me take my kids out 'trick-or-treating' one rainy, cold night as I had 3-rd degree burns from the radiation but didn't want to let my kids down.

Roger held my kids in his arms all of the time and Dane thought him as more of an uncle than just a friend of mine.

We don't choose our friends based on the money they have nor the age that they are.

We don't choose our friends on the merits of what others think as others thought Roger as a recluse who never talked or shared his feelings.

I however, would sit down with Roger for hours talking about absolutely nothing and enjoying his mere presence in my life and the lives of my kids.

He was always invited to the kids' birthdays and Christmas and we always made sure that Roger felt like he had a family in us all.

We loved him and we helped him out whenever we could.

Roger had lots of family around but chose to have nothing to do with them. I never questioned his reasoning for it wasn't my place I didn't think.

A few weeks ago, Roger called me asking to borrow my car as his was broken down.

I didn't hesitate for a second before handing him over the keys for my firebird I'd lovingly tended for over 20 years.

The firebird was my baby. It was the first car I ever bought at 16 and it was going to be gifted to Dane when he reached of age.

I answered the phone on a rainy Saturday to hear the police telling me that my best buddy, Roger had chosen to take my car and drive off of the end of a wharf with it into the freezing cold of the Fraser River.

He could not swim.

Witnesses said that the car floated on the surface for awhile with the driver's side window down.

People yelled at him to get out of the car and he neither looked nor attempted to get out of the car where he would take his last breath.

The car sank slowly under the water and he was found 2 hours later with his seatbelt still on.

He had no intentions of getting out.

The car was found in 40 feet of water and he took his last breath in the driver's seat.

What would possess a man to take his life in his late 40's?

What would possess a man to take his life who promised to come to my home for Christmas?

Sometimes, things happen to us that are completely devastating like cancer.

Sometimes, our friends have things happen to them that we hardly even notice.

He had no problems that I could see. He never mentioned anything to me.

How could I not see that he was hurting inside? How could I not see that he felt like he was at the end of his rope and wanted to end his life?

What tragedies make us feel that there is no light at the end of the tunnel?

I've said 'good-bye' to my friend now.

I will not get my car back. I cannot imagine driving in a car knowing that my friend took his last breathe in the seat I would be sitting in.

I took all the pictures that I had of Roger in happier times and I gave them to his family who had no seen him in 10 years.

I spoke to the police at length about this man with the soul of a 'angel' who took care of me and my kids.

Lastly, I had a brief conversation with God and asked from the bottom of my soul to please, please watch over him till I could get there and give him a big hug and tell him that he was going to be ok.

He did it to me when I was first diagnosed and the least I can do is return the favor.

Rest in peace, Roger.

You are more loved than you will ever know.

Love,

Beady, Brianne and the little-man "Dane".


Friday, December 19, 2008

2 years ago today.


Two years ago today I finished treatment for cancer.

Two years ago today I also celebrated my son's first birthday.

Today, I am 2 years out of treatment and my son is running around like a typical 3 year old boy excitedly waiting for presents and Santa.

Life stops for no one. There are no breaks along the way and the train of life keeps going whether we continue to sit on the train or get off at some stop.

2 years is all it took to take me from viewing cancer as a gift I didn't need to a gift I'm so happy to have received.

Having been gifted with cancer enables me to sit up late at night typing comfort to someone I've never met who is currently going through her own fight with cancer.

Her gift of cancer makes her reach out to people without faces. It makes her reach out to someone of a different culture to find hope in a situation she hasn't found hope in thus far.

The fear of her gift gives her many sleepless nights. It gives her twists in her stomach which medicine cannot cure.

Fear of the unknown is a brutal feeling to have in the pit of your gut. It does not go away nor does it let up for even minutes at a time. It consumes you while you sleep and it sits deep in your brain surfacing as nightmares when you try and sleep.

I have seen people die from cancer. I have also seen people living with having had cancer.

The end of treatment does not bring an end to the gift we have received.

No, it is only the beginning.

Survivors sometimes do not realize the strength and courage that they have to get up in the morning and take the 'cancer' and just put it on your back like a baby in a papoose.

In the blink of an eye and with the stealth of a cat, the cancer we carried around starts to empower us and make us become better people.

We laugh more at life's endearing moments.

We cry more at life's tragedies and we hug more the people who carried us when we couldn't do it ourselves.

We band together and reach out to those still carrying the baby around that cannot see for themselves yet what a great gift they have received, if they only look below the surface.

I'd often wondered shortly after diagnosis what I did to deserve cancer. What did I do in my life to have to endure countless chemo and radiation sessions? Who did I wrong to get it given back to me 10 fold?

I remember feeling like I was on a ship circling and circling around a hurricane slowly sinking deeper and deeper in the sea.

Today, I cannot feel more blessed for having survivied cancer.

I feel humbled with the amount of people coming to search ME out to give them answers.

I feel humbled by people without faces looking for a virual shoulder to cry on cause they haven't ridden the cancer train long enough yet to see it for what it really is.

Cancer is a gift that shows us there is such love and compassion in people.

It shows us how precious life really is.

I sit now ready for Santa to come to my home and my heart and bless me and my family at this wonderful time of year.

I will take my son and go visit the snow and we'll build snow-angels and I'll hug him so tightly that he'll almost stop breathing.

I will then come home and have a scrumptuous dinner with family and friends, some of whom I will be meeting for the first time at Christmas after helping them via email with their own cancer struggles.

Santa will be getting cookies and milk tenderly placed on a plate and I'll also give him a message saying 'Thanks' for giving me the gift of cancer 2 short years ago.

So far, its the best present I think I've ever received.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

The Count-down begins


Almost like 'magic' my confident nature begins to deteriorate about 6 weeks before each of my checkups.

Has my cancer come back and should I be worried?

I look for signs (it seems) that it has returned and yet in some dark place, it seemed almost like a dream. I forget a lot of the symptoms.

It never really happened, did it?

I remember thinking it was 'hemmorhoids' and going back to the doctor looking for something different to make 'this' go away. It never did go away.

I remember going into the doctor finally demanding to be seen by a specialist. I wanted it cut out.

I'd googled it to death and had convinced myself that it was only a 'hemi' and it would go away. If not, I'd have it cut out under a local. Done. Over...Back to the game at hand.

I will 'never' forget going in to see the surgeon, Dr. Fisher, for the first time.

"Let's take a look at that hemi"..he says.

Up on the table I go and lean over to let him take a 'looky loo' at what had been ailing me for about 3 months or so.

"I think this is far more serious than a hemmorhoid", he said.

"I think that it is cancer."

I remember leaving his office and walking outside and the whole, entire damn world was different.

My car seemed like a mile away and I could hardly breathe as I made my way down the sidewalk trying to look as 'normal' as possible.

I opened the door and sat down in a state of shock with my head on the steering wheel thinking, "Wow, you have cancer".

I don't remember going to pick up my 4 month old son from daycare nor do I remember what I had for dinner that day or for the next 3 weeks ,for that matter.

We go into shock to protect our 'souls' from what we are experiencing if it is horrific or if we are unable to 'sort out' what we are going through.

HOLY SHIT. I HAVE CANCER.

Treatment was like a 'hell' on earth.

The radiation caused 3rd degree burns from my belly button down past the old butt cheeks. I looked like a 'hiroshima' victim. The tub and I became quite close friends and I'd sit in there for hours with my 5 month old son on my lap. It was the only place in the whole, wide world where I could go and not be hurting.

It was during my daily doses of radiation that I developed a love for 'not' wearing panties. I still cannot have anything that tight around my legs as the skin is still a bit sore and tender 2 FREAKING YEARS out of treatment.

Proctosone is my new best friend. It is a numbing agent that I squirt up my 'shoot' in the morning. It makes going to the 'loo' a whole lot easier and hey, if your ass was radiated, you might need some too. (awesome stuff by the way....go, phizer...hehehe)

Anyways, back to the story at hand.

There is nothing worse than the word 'cancer' to a control freak.

I like to rule my world and I like the pieces to fit nicely in the slots that I have chosen and it all works if the intricate pieces fit nicely together.

Having been told you have cancer makes you realize that you have absolutely 'no' control over your body or your future.

It only takes a breath in time to make you realize that you would do 'anything' to make sure that your 5 fucking month old baby will walk down the isle with the girl of his dreams and I hope to have a tear in my eye while watching this event.

I am so, so angry at my body sometimes.

What did I do to make it go against itself?

I could be sitting here typing this damn blog and at the exact same time have something coarsing through my veins setting up a menu to have me dead in 12 months.

I have to admit that I have some dark says. I think everyone does.

We all have the days that we jump out of bed looking forward to the events about to take place and then we are faced sometimes with events that make us just want to wrap the blankies around us and have a damn good cry about maybe not seeing your little dude graduate out of grade 1.

I pray every damn day that if there is such a thing as a 'god' that he will see that my little boy needs me to show him the right way and to make sure that he walks towards puppies to pet them and look into my eyes and know that what he is doing is the right thing to do.

If there is such a thing as God, he will see how hard that I worked to have "Dane". I had my tubes untied to have him at 39 and my fiance died when I was 5 weeks pregnant with him.

I did it alone and I coached a soccer game before I had him while listening to 'Santa Claus is coming to town" and I felt proud of what I'd done and what I'd done alone.

Who the hell have I pissed off enough to warrant getting this shitty thing called cancer?

I've eaten my wheaties. I've fed my kids and attended to every one of their needs? I've counselled others in their fight with the beast and I've worn stilletos to every one of my radiation appointments.

What's a nice chick gotta do to get a break around here?

In a few weeks, I will wake up and pick out the jeans of choice and a cute shirt and I will put on my 'big girl panties' (although radiation makes me always go commando) and a cute pair of pumps and I will drop my son off at daycare.

Then, I will walk graciously into the cancer clinic and pick a chair and nervously flick through some magazine not really reading any of the words and I will look around at all of the other people.

I will almost 'want to freaking puke' because every DAMN one of them could really be 'me' in a few months and I will thank GOD (if there really is one) that I have at least the next 90 days to kiss my kids and wonder what it would be like to NOT have it.

We always play games with ourselves in moments of crisis it seems.

If I 'don't' have 'x' I will do 'this.'

Strangely enough, cancer takes it all away and changes it sometimes.

In fact, you want to do it all today because you might not have tomorrow.

I am so, so grateful to have my kids.

God, if you are listening, please give me some more time. A LOT more time.

I've got so much to do and so much to teach to my kids.

Please don't take me down when I'm just getting back up.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I said 'penises' on CBC radio today :)

2 years ago, I had cancer.

Today, I was on CBC radio accross Canada discussing kids seeing 'penises' on school computers.

How freaking cool is that?

I had a 15 minute interview LIVE on the radio about my daughter accessing questionable things online and everyone loved me.

Fred and 8 of his buddies working around the farm in preparation for the new 'additions' all sat around the fire drinking beer and listening to my 'Dr. Laura' mentality of kids online.

30 minutes after it was done, CBC called me back and said that they were inundated with calls and emails expressing horror at what their elementary kids could see at school and CBC had an offer.

I'm going to be doing a '30' minute online segment with them next week and parents will be able to call in and ask me questions and I will give them answers....

HOLY CRAP.

Video killed the radio star. Video killed the radio star.

Seriously though, its a great thing.

Cancer made me want to do IT ALL today cause I might not have tomorrow.

One always puts things off to 'another' day until that day becomes a bit of an option really.

The ride has been 'sweet' post cancer.

I wake up and do all kinds of 'shit' everyday now that no mere 'mortal' would EVER be able to do.

Got a job to get done?

Give it to a cancer survivor. They'll get 'er done'....

Sometimes, I think about my cancer coming back.

Will it? Won't it? Will I actually know before-hand or will a CT scan bring me down and make me want to plan my life for the next 24 months. I might only have that much time.

God only really knows.

It takes a lot to take something so 'sinister' as cancer and turn it into the 'dance' of your life.

I hope that one person reading this blog is doing so as they are looking for inspiration for what they are going through or what they WILL be going through.

I walked the walk and talked the talk and I lived through it and so will you.

Indeed, I have days where I am so, so tired.

Some would blame it on the radiation. I blame it on the fact that I have shitloads of animals now, work 2 jobs, raise 4 kids and a pure-bred german dude who is always right.

Sometimes, we go through rough shit.

Life is like that.

I think the secret to 'living' through it is accepting it for what it is and taking your 'hand' dealt and looking at the possiblities in front of your face.

How man people do you know that have been able to say, 'penises' on CBC radio? :)

"And what did you do today?" is my new saying for life.

The game plan found me

For all of you following this blog and my 'crazy, sexy, wouldn't trade it for the world' life after having had cancer, I have more news on this subject.

The last blog left you all wondering what happened next? What became of the 12 year old computer 'vixen' posing as a 17 year old 'hotty' online?

Oh where to begin.

Once I found all of the 'damning' evidence on my daughter's 'um activities online, I went back through the chain of events piecing together dates and times.

I was a bit perplexed by some of the 'date stamps' on emails showing pictures of 'penises' being send to my daughter during the day. hmmmm...

Spidey senses go off instantly.

I get out my calendar and I look and research the data in front of me and what did I find?

She was accessing 'facebook' and downloading porno AT FREAKING SCHOOL.

I sat back with my newly aquired knowledge and wondered what to do.

Dr. Google gave me the email address to the principal, the director of IT for the school district that I am in as well as the superintendant of schools for the district.

Friday evening after a few glasses of a damn good shiraz, I licked my lips and I sat at my desk and I wrote the most damning email I have ever written criticizing them ALL for actually allowing my daughter to view materials she sure as hell wouldn't be able to do at home.

I was shocked.....

I also contacted our local papers and send a 'letter to the editor' as well.

Did it stop there?

Nope.

Within 10 minutes of the paper receiving it, I received a call from the editor asking if they could instead do a full-page story on the 'issue' complete with a statement from the school board.

Yup, go ahead.

Parents have a right to know what their kids can do online in elementary schools.

I believe this to be so.

It was published in the newspaper today and within an hour, I recieved a call at home from both the Vancouver Province and CBC Canada asking me if I would be interested in doing a 'live radio' call-in show TODAY...hehehe

Can you believe it?

I'm going to be a radio "super star" at 5:40 this afternoon on CBC live. lol

We are going to be discussing this incident with my daughter as well as what I believe should be being done to protect our kids online while they are at schools.

The communications director for the school board declined to be on the radio as well but they issued a statement stating that today, no other child can access 'facebook' in elementary schools in my school district. (freaking wuss)

Tis funny how a game plan strangely comes together and all I have to do is sit back and participate.

I'm a radio 'super star'....hehehe

Oh yeah.

The side note as well should include the fact that both Fred and I decided that Brianne will now be going to a private school in September complete with a uniform.

The plan is now done.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Why doesn't everything have a game plan?

Upon being diagnosed with cancer, a chain of events magically kicked into place which provided dates and times for both chemotherapy and radiation.

I was given a card which said the dates and times with poison and rads and all I had to do was show up.

We all know that life is not like that and sometimes I miss the 'checks' done with CT scans to show that all is well or not.

How do we really know if what we are doing in our lives or even a specific circumstance is the right thing to do at the time?

I am going through this right now with my daughter.

"Bri" is 13 going on about 20 and I am just starting to encounter the glorious teenage years where you are always wrong and the only thing they want to do with you is be driven somewhere and then dropped off or else provide cash.

About a year ago, Bri was banned from the computer for adding people to her 'friends' list that she did not know.

Open and shut case.

I secretly found out by checking her emails to find some dude Arabia asking about how her brother, Dane was doing.

I immediately pulled the plug on her having net access and thought it was done.

Fred woke up last night at 3am to get a drink of milk and found Brianne on the computer in chat rooms talking to people 'looking for love in their 30's'.

Needless to say Fred was not impressed and before she could close down the multitude of open windows, she was grabbed out of her seat and told to go to bed and the office door was locked.

I went to look when I got out of bed this morning and I was mortified at what I saw.

Pictures of 'dicks' (obviously photo-shopped or else I'm seriously lacking in the 'size' department. HOLY SHIT !!!!)

There were about 12 chat windows open with various people with random names who have no life whatsoever. Who would really be 'looking for love' at 3am online?

I then went to the chat room where she was 'lurking' and almost fell off of my chair, laughing mostly at this point?

By this time, It's 7:30 am and I have all of the evidence I need at this point.

Time to move on to more fun and games while I had the chance being in some of these 'naughty' rooms for a reason.

I got a 'private message' from Abraham asking if I liked the pic in his profile??

"Hmmm, didn't really look before then. Of course I had to and he strangely looked like Brat Pitt.

"You are kinda cute", I reply.

"Wanna see more of me?" he asks

"Go for it, big boy"...(I say this as I see that he was also starting this same thing with my daughter in an open window)

He sends me the pic and I almost busted a 'damn' gut laughing at the pic which was obviously photo-shopped.

Clean shaven and the pic was from chest to about knees but I sure couldn't concentrate on his knees. WOW (I could so not imagine 'doing' that. I have cows in the field with smaller dicks than this had on it.)

I think there was that one guy that was so 'hung' that he'd pass out before he got hard. Maybe a porn star?

This guy would have had a coronary FOR SURE. hehehe

Anyways, I respond back with,"What a joke. I've seen WAY WAY bigger than that, little boy".

Who in their right mind would be looking for sex at 7:30 in the morning when I can barely stay away trying to get the caffeine in while calming down a wee baby-boy....(cutie by the way)

Bri sulked up the stairs and I gave her a kiss and sent her on her way.

I saw her briefly looking back wondering when the axe was gonna fall as I'm Irish and THEY ALWAYS FREAKING FALL hard.

I dropped Dane off at the sitters as I needed a me day to think.

After pondering it for the morning and looking at both sides of the equation as I was once that age as well, I came up with the following resolution to this huge problem brewing at home.

I am making her sign a 'contract' of sorts with both Fred and I.

The contract stipulates that after a 'week' of solid grounding, she will be ALLOWED back on the computer with her own ID and password. I will tell her what the ID will contain and I will know at all times what the password will stay as.

She will be allowed an hour each day to chat with her friends on MSN messanger but no chat lines.

She was told that there is now a 'key-logger' in place that records her views of web-pages and text that she sends and receives.

There is a fine line between 'negotiation' and 'breaking someone's will' and I do not want to go there.

I don't want to totally segregate her and have her rebel against me which opens up a whole new damn can of worms.

Nor do I want to keep her naive as she's getting old enough to need to have a little bit of street smarts in this 'advancing' world.

She will sign the contract and be given a bit of reign .

In return for her signing this contract, she will graduate from grade 7 this year and be able to attend her prom with a cute dress and heels.

If she fails, she signed this 'event' away of her own doing and her own actions.

Good call or bad, it keeps her happy and it keeps me thinking that she is safe.

Hopefully, she sees it as a game plan.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Where there is a will, there is a way.

Tonight I'm thinking, 'death.'

It is not the variety of death where angels are singing and I'm coming up to talk to the big 'kahuna' and he's pretty pleased with what I've done and what I've become.

In the real world, however, there are some practical things that also must be taken care of that are of a more 'macabe' nature.

If you've ever had cancer or been around someone with cancer, you know what I mean.

The question of the day is, "What do you do with the body?"

There are a few options available and they mostly include cremation or burial.

I could SO NOT imagine being buried in the ground. It has always given me the biggest shutters late at night when I was first diagnosed.

I do not want ANYONE to see me after I have been declared dead on the table and the forms have been signed and I'm getting colder by the minute. :)

Without a doubt, someone who didn't like me much will be put in charge of the 'clothing' I 'might' be seen in, laying there in that damn box with my arms folded over me. (I secretly NEVER lay that way in bed ever since I was diagnosed. Call me a freak but I am so serious. If I wake up and I'm laying like that, I IMMEDIATELY turn over....)

Anyways, back to the story at hand.....

I wake up sweating thinking that someone would bury me in a dress. Lavendar and up to the damn neck is what I would put my money on.

My hair would probably be blown straight and I would resemble Stephanie Powers. The real me would have the 'she hasn't brushed her curly hair in a week and oh yeah, she's irish' kinda look but I cannot see that happening.

I sat down recently and made a will to 'prevent' from happening what I've described about.

I spelled out what should be done and when. (I did the 'go big or go home' thing again and did a living will as well as one for when I'm 'DONE'. hahaha)

Cremation is in my future and its written in ink as of most recently.

There will also NEVER come a day where I am on life-support obviously losing the battle I'd vowed so hard to fight.

Sometimes we lose the battles we choose to fight. It does NOT make us quitters though. We all have our time when we know we are 'done'. We've fought the fight and we fought it hard but the time has come. (.....the walrus said...C.S. Lewis.....I could not resist)

An old wives tale says that 'if you write your will, your days are numbered.'

Who cares really?

Arn't all of our days numbered really anyways?

Don't I have a 'wee bit' of an advantage knowing that I might die from cancer so I get a chance to do it right the 'first' time?

We all shy away from talking about death as if it were some sort of 'taboo' and yet, we will ALL go through it.

I would much rather just be thrown out of the back of a 'ford f350' into a country field where the coyotes would not be hungry for a few days.

Screw having to pay for someone to burn me. EWWWW....

Monday, March 17, 2008

Plates come in different sizes

We all carry plates around with our 'stuff.'

Some of us carry pretty small plates cause we choose to either not deal with a lot of stuff or else we neglect a whole bunch of stuff we should be dealing with.

My plate would be described as 'over-flowing' but would be described with a bunch more words more eloquent than mine.

I choose it to be so and sometimes I wonder why we each choose the 'level' of how much 'crap' we keep on our plates?

Why is it that some of us coast through our lives having hardly been dented at all while others get whacked time and time again?

University taught me statistics and I propose the following hypothesis.

If you choose to take a chance at say 10 things, you might succeed or fail at say 20% of them.

If you are a 'go big or go home' chick like me, the 10 things would probably go up the ladder, to say 100 things and then I'm dealing with a whole 'boat-load', more than the chick having only done 10 things, right? :)

The chances of you're succeeding at pretty much anything you do is greatly increased by at least trying to get there.

Sometimes though, late at night, I lay in bed and I'm thinking.

1. I showered for 40 minutes after I fell into the pig-pen. Yup, head first. Pick me for the prize please and make it gold.
2. I spent 2 FREAKING HOURS outside today feeding animals and cleaning stalls and getting hay and straw and pineapple cause the pigs taste way better if you feed them this 3 weeks before the slaughter the pain in the asses. :)
3. I planted almost 150 pansies in my front beds. Yes indeed, pro to having a nice yard is having your hubby own a fencing/landscaping company. Negative is him bringing home 150 pansies to plant in the front beds and a truck-load of perennials. Of course, he does not look after all this crap. :)
4. I can honestly say that I own 4 different types of ducks who currently are having babies in a pond which is about 40 feet from my balcony! How freaking cool is that.
The geese are turning into nasty bastards with having eggs. Holy. !!! I had to hit one with a bucket the other day and its only about 1/3 of it's full size yet. Might have to do something about that.
5. Out of 3 cows we were going to get and cycle through the farm for meat, we've sadly become quite attached to 2 of them and they will no longer get killed. :) I've named mine 'Trouble' and Freddy named his 'Bruno' and we've decided we really 'suck' at farming.
6. I'm getting more chickens. Screw those fancy silkies that didn't like the iron in my water. I'm instead, going to buy some guaranteed to lay 'slutty' ones who will drop eggs quite regularily and they only cost 3 bucks.
7. We're building a koi fish pond attached to the wall of the house with these cool alan-block things. (landscaping dude for sweetie thing again)
I'm secretly starting a 20 gallon tank with some koi in it this weekend on the deck of course. :) Will put them in damn healthy once Freddy gets the pond done.
8. Freddy's birthday is coming soon. I'm doing a big pig-roast thing for it...hahahah
Like seriously, i'm gonna get a buddy over her to use the excavator when Fred is at work. We need a 4'x4' hole and you need sand and charcoal and shit-loads of beer. :)
9. We're getting 4 more cows. We've decided to get the holstein/angus crosses cause they are black and white and we don't seem to like those ones much. Our 2 'keepers' are the jersey/angus crosses. We might even be able to start making money for this farm venture thing.
10. 'Loco', our adult male ostrich is ramming the females into the walls cause he's horny and his legs are as red as bright lipstick.
It's actually quite funny to watch at 7am. Poor females.
Nature is what it is.

Now back to plates.

My plate is so 'over-filling' that sometimes it is quite almost 'over-whelming.'

I am so beyond the plate thing. I've now moved up to 'platters' and they are big ones at that.

University also taught me that people with plates so full that they can hardly keep up do it for a variety of reasons.

Some try and fill their days to the 'brim', to stop themselves from taking a breath and actually thinking of some wrong we thought about, but chose to file away for 'another' day.

There is variety of people though, who embrace each day for what it is and it is really only 'one' damn day.

If you only had one day, wouldn't you fill it up to the absolute maximum? You're not gonna have tomorrow. Why wouldn't you want to do it all today? Absolutely everything that you ever wanted to do.

I chose to live my life like this a long time ago, even before my cancer.

Cancer changed my plate size but not in the way that you'd imagined.

It took away so many things that I thought that I cared about and also brought fore-front a lot of things that I didn't give enough attention to.

'It evened out my life' if that makes any sense at all.

I don't ever anymore lay in bed at night making dealings with myself. I never say that I'll stop drinking red wine if my CT scan comes back clear.

I'm so beyond that now.

I still drink my red wine and I no long make deals with my body cause it's defied me already and in a big way.

Take nothing for granted.

Fill your plate AS MUCH as you can and 'pig-out' today and tomorrow and the next day.

Life is really sweet if you take it one day at a time.


after-note:

Tonight, I sat down for the first time and read my entries over the last 2 years. I am touched by all of the comments although I never responded and for that I am sorry.

This blog was initially meant to be a personal journal of my cancer experience and it turned out to be something way more than that.

It has evolved into my 'life journey' and its been quite the damn ride.

If I ever live to be an old grand-ma swinging in a chair, I will be 'exactly' how I'd hoped to be when I was a young kid with some foresight.

Why would anyone ever want a small plate?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The difference between liabilities and assets.

I had a job interview Monday for a job doing basic accounting work part-time.

My mind was heavy with the question of disclosing or not disclosing the fact that I had cancer.

I wrestled with whether I would appear as a 'liability' to this company for having my body go wrong once already. Is it too much of a risk to put her on our health-care plan and have it come back? Why put thousands of dollars into training me for a job I might not have for very long.

or....

It could go the other-way.

I would appear as a 'hero' of sorts for having survived something a lot of others would not.

They could see me as a strong, driven person who got dealt a shitty hand and came back to win the game.

I went into my job interview for the posted position of 'administrative assistant' and I told the truth.

At the time, I found it odd that there was hardly any mention of my qualifications nor my work history.

The human resources manager and controller sat on the edges of their seats listening to me answer questions about my cancer experience and how much will and courage it took to get back up on the horse with a little baby and get back into this game called, 'life'.

I told them what it was like to come back from cancer a new person and undoubtedly a much better person.

I left the interview a little uncertain as the 'tone' of the interview was not what I expected. Nor did I expect to ever hear from them again.

I got a call a few hours ago from the same controller who sat in the boardroom with me listening to what I'd overcome and learned and he said he was 'profoundly' touched by my honesty during the interview.

I kept waiting for the 'thanks but we've chosen someone else' speech but instead I got the following one:

"You applied for the position of 'administrative assistant'. We have found someone a bit more 'appropriate' for it but I have another position that you might be interested in" he said.

"We have been looking for quite a while for someone to be my 'assistant'" he said.

"You mean you want me to be the 'assistant to the controller' for all the companies?" I asked totally shocked.

"I'm hardly qualified for that. I have no accounting degree and don't really know that much about running multi-level corporations." I said quite puzzled by the offer.

"You are the most fitting candidate to help me that I have yet interviewed", he said.

"You have learned lessons that others sometimes never get to learn. You can solve problems and you can research solutions. You have a drive to be the best that you can be and I'm going to give you the chance to do so."

I'm going to be working 30 hours a week to start and get used to it and then I'm going to be going back to work full-time helping run this corporation with over 200 people employed in different branches.

I am neither qualified for the job nor do I know the first thing about what I am going to be doing....

HOW AWESOME IS THAT?

Sometimes, I am so happy with the lessons that I have learned from having been through my cancer journey.

The biggest one is to be humble. I am no better than anyone else. I hurt sometimes too. I will help others in anyway that I can and I strive everyday to find positive in EVERYTHING that I do.

Maybe I was the best candidate after all for the job I'm going to be doing.

Cancer made me a liability at first.

But I realized today that somewhere along the way, it turned around and actually became an asset in my life in so, so many ways.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Noahs Ark and then some.

We always wonder where authors get the ideas for their stories.

Do they walk in the woods getting clarity on a lazy, Sunday afternoon or does it come to them gently as they sleep?

I never felt as if i had a story to tell till I danced with cancer and now it seems, I learn something in EVERYTHING that I do.

I have always had a deep love for animals. More-so than most others in fact.

When Freddy and I got together, he saw in me a 'mother' to look after any beast on his acerage and I saw in him someone who who do whatever was necessary to make me feel 'fulfilled.'

The only thing that seperated me from any animal I wanted to buy was Freddy's cheque book and a few loads of hay.

By 8:00 am, I am leaning over steel gates with rubber boots on hanging off of them and watching the sun come up through the sky and I breathe in the smell of ostrich shit and cow piss and I'm strangely way more peaceful.

I un-tangle the fucking dog from the post that she's been barking at since about 1:30 am and I'm grateful when she shuts the fuck-up.

I hit the 'hissing,spitting' goose that is becoming a bit more 'randy' for my tastes, with the horsey bucket and it goes away thank you very much.

I load the buckets and buckets of 'animal' feed to them over and over again. They don't really care if the food is for 'ratities'...(WTF? They are ostriches people.) or pigs or ethiopians for that god-damn matter...They eat it ALL...)

I will even admit to falling in about a foot of pig 'shit/piss/phlem/vomit' whatever and going back in Jim to get my glasses afterwards.

Our lazy life living in the country on 5 acres of land comes to a fucking halt at about 5am when all the animals decide that they are getting up and so are you.

I wanted the animals though. I still do...

Fred thinks I'm nuts most days but he keeps paying the feed bills and I'm wearing out my first set of boots and most nights I sit on the back steps and watch the sun go down with my rubber boots on and I wonder what I did so fucking good to be able to sit there and smile like I do.

There are varying degrees of tattoos.

My son Dane, is 2 years old.

This morning getting out of the shower, said little man spied a tattoo that I have on my ass.

"Vroom, vroom" he said in the cutest voice possible. Dane knows a classic car when he sees one and knows a damn good tattoo as well.

After I was diagnosed with cancer I had to get 'tattoo-ed' with a pukey color of green in 4 places around my pelvic area. This was done to 'mark' me for radiation treatments so they could get it 'right' for sparky.

Once I finished my treatments I felt sort of 'marked' for lack of a better word. I felt that those 4 'dots' showed my scar from radiation treatments and no matter what shape I got my mind back into, the residuals would remain.

So, I started on a path to get some 'kick-ass' tattoo to cover-up the mark that technology in fact used, to save my life.

Call me vain. Call me whatever you like actually. Views of others rarely bother me anymore. Call it a cancer 'fix' of sorts.

I perused a few on-line tattoo sites looking for something to signify who the 'new' me was and what I had become after this dance with cancer.

Initially, I wanted an elaborate fairy with detail to die for and colors of the brightest realms.

I went to meet with "Jake" (highly regarded tattoo guy)

Jake asked what I wanted.

I went on about some pics. that I had of fairies to which he replies.

"Why is it you chicks always want the butterflies and the fairies?"

Hmmm...ponder for a second or so and then say.....

"Ok, what would you suggest?"

"What drives you? What makes you go 'ewww''''?" he asks

"Hmmm...I love old cars" I say...

Within 2 days, he's got a few digi. proofs of Freddy's 1970 mach I and although I thought initially it would be 1 inch around, the baby finished off at 6 inches by 6 inches...

Call me fucking nuts!!!!

The tattoo hurt like hell and took 3 hours but it was so worth it.

Why a 1970 Mustang Mach I? you ask....

1. Only 3000 built like this one. About my same chances of getting cancer.
2. Goes like freaking snot as do I.
3. Its loud sometimes and oh so damn sexy...

and finally,

It represents a muscle car of the finest example.

I did initially tell Freddy that I was going to get a tattoo. He actually wanted me to get a gay white-rose on my breast..

Yup, I'll do that when I'm on my way to buy the flour to bake your freaking bread buddy. :)

Said tattoo was debuted while playing pool.

"So, lets see the flower that you got on your butt darling"....says fred.

(he must be some sort of moron to thing that I'd maybe meet '1/2' way and get his rose on my ass? lol)

I removed the bandage and I thought he was going to cry, honestly.

He looked at the detail and the fact that this chick in front of him actually had the tattoo with detail enough to read the personalized license plate.

In fact, a week later Freddy took the Mach I by to see Jake who loved the car and said that he'd won a 1st place prize for the car on my ass....:)

Why is it this cancer in my 'ass' makes all kinds of things appear to start from my ass or end from my ass? hehehe

I noticed this morning that the pukey green tattoo courtesy of the "BC Cancer Centre" is smack-dab-in-the-middle of the headlight of the Mustang Mach I covering most of my ass currently.

And then of course, I got to thinking.

Maybe the green dot in my headlight means something. "Keep it forth-right and centre." as they say.

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" as they say.

I'm already thinking of my next tattoo....

I'm now at 3.

First one was a bad hockey bet. Lost badly. 1 grand in US dollars...(was huge then...like 17 freaking dollars...hahaha) and a NJ devils tattoo.

I wear it proudly.

Next as the tazmanian devil. Bit of devil in me, yes.:) He's on my right cheek :)

Mach I is left ass cheek. (I was actually quite shocked it healed considering the skin was fucking radiation a few months ago there...(wow...radiated sounds so harsh, no? :))

I'm sure I'll keep it up and become one of those fat-chicks in the nursing homes with tattoos meeting stretched skin and my mach I will look like a fucking 'boat' but who cares really?

If I have the mind-set to actually remember when I got the tatto0, so be it.

If not, I'll just refer back to my blog...

btw-I had 90 hits yesterday on this blog-o-meter and that makes me think that I'm either really fucking warped or else I'm doing some damn good here...

I prefer the fucking warped thing, Jim.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Indecent disclosure?

I have a job interview Monday afternoon.

The job is part-time which suits me perfectly considering all of the animals and 'shit' in life that I have to look after.

I did however notice an almost 2 year 'gap' in my resume dating pretty much back to when I started cancer treatment to just about now.

To date, I have done only contract work from home as well as looking after Fred's company and tending to the animals.

Right now, I need to do something more.

So, I sent out a few resumes to a few job postings and have 4 interviews already set up for next week.

Is it palliative care to which I 'partaked of the juices' a few months ago?

NOPE.

It is doing basic accounting for a few companies as I'm pretty damn good with this sort of thing. I have developed an incredible ability to deal with companies and numbers after having dealt with Freddy's company for awhile :)

My resume is exemplary. I have worked both with NASA and the secret service. I have no criminal record and am 5 courses short of a masters degree. I DO NOT walk and blow bubbles.

Hmmm...how to explain the 2 year gap?

Do I come right out and shoot straight and say, "Yup, I didn't work for 2 years as I went through a year of cancer treatment and saw the light at the end of the tunnel and I survived anal cancer?"

How do you explain a yearning from working with a BSc in computer sciences and being state-side 3 weeks a year to only wanting to work outside of the house for a bit of spending money?

"Can you multi-task?" Hmmm...I coordinated myself having daily radiation treatments while coaching soccer as well as tending to 'life' with a 12 year old as well as an 8 month old baby. Does that not give me the right to say, "Yes", I can multi-task?

"How are you with dealines?" Hmm...I finished up my cancer treatments as fast as I could as I still wanted to coach competitive soccer. I also picked up my daughter from school at 3 as I had my radiation appts. at 4 so she could be a part of it and not feel so scared.

"What situation would you speak of that spoke volumes about the type of person that you were?"

Hmmm...Well, I remember a time on Halloween night and Brianne was 10 and Dane was what would be considered 'fresh.'

I'd just finished my 19th radiation treatment and I was so sore with 3rd degree burns and I dressed up Brianne as a witch and Dane became a dinosaur and I brought them both in with me to have my daily dose.

The nurses were all laughing at how the kids were dressed and I dragged my 'almost' done ass into the room once again and I left and I took the two most important people in my life out 'trick or treating'.

Dane was in his stroller and Brianne saw how weak I actually was but I kept on going till both kids had 2 pillow-cases of 'goods' to take home.

Does one disclose how we became who we are in the circumstances?

Does having lived through cancer and see the other side make us an asset or a liability in the views of a potential employer?

We shall see.

Where oh where did my progesterone go...oh where..

Menopause, getting old, Men-o-pot. Call it what you will.

I was thrown into immediate menopause when I finished my first visit with 'sparky' the radiation wonder.

I thought (at first) that my period would go away slowly monthly to bi-monthly to semi-yearly to.....(you get the picture)

It did not work this way.

"Poof", like a flash I was done.

No more sore boobs each month. No more buying tampons. No bitchiness to blame on my period. (sucks to not have that excuse anymore, believe you me)

Its amazing how much estrogen and progesterone affect our female bodies.

I started sweating at night a bit. I also started noticing little 'granny' hairs which I plucked faster than you can say, "old lady". :)

Tweezers with 'diamond tip points' suddenly became my new best friend.

After a few months of this, I decided to visit the doctor and go on hormone replacement drugs. I take a daily dose of estrogen and progesterone and do feel somewhat better.

The debate is out though, on whether these HRTs actually cause cancers instead of just relieving symptoms of the treatments of those cancers.

I went looking on Dr. Google and was shocked to find out that my risk of breast cancer is higher while on the HRTs and my risk of colo-rectal cancer is actually lower. !!!

Hmmm...

So, I ponder...

I've already had fucking colo-rectal cancer. (I call it this as most people whom I tell I have had anal cancer just look at me blankly pondering if I REALLY had cancer in my ass?) Call me politically 'cancer correct.'

Yes, people there is such a thing as cancer in one's "ass" !!!!

If my risk is lower for something that I've already had, isn't that just a tad bit screwed up then?

Does that not make my risk for breast cancer even higher then if I've already received the low prize from the HRTs?

I've never had breast cancer. I'm sure its like the cancer I had only maybe a bit higher....(OK, a LOT higher as my 'tatas' have not fallen THAT much yet.)

Will I stop the 'fake' hormone therapy?

NOPE.

"Why Not?" you ask.

It is so much nicer having mucous come out of your 'private' place than out of your ass. !!! One of the first signs of my cancer was ass 'mucous'....:)

I feel way 'purdier' with the hormones.

Freddy is also way more attractive to me when I am on hormones. No hormones, no sexual feelings. Its as simple as that.

I always knew I would go into menopause. Given fact really.

I however never thought it would be immediate and I would only be 39 years of age and my little boy would only be 8 months old. WOW

I'm going to watch the news and keep track of the new finding on HRTs and maybe change my mind.

For now though, I'll keep doing what I'm doing and hope that I haven't geared myself up for a second round with Hank and his friends.

Hope floats but poop does not.

A long time ago in a land far, far away I never seemed to care about what went into my body or what came out of my body.

An article caught my eye while waiting in line at the grocery store check-out stand.

"Judge your health by your poop."

WTF? Of course, I have to grab said magazine and pay quickly for it while I stuff it into my purse and rush out to my van and quickly peruse my 'prize' article.

According to this article, I am not healthy. My poop does not float.

My poop hits the sides of the bowl like a handful of oil from the tar-sands in Alberta. Not a very 'purdy' sight indeed.

Optimum poop floats on the surface like a lazy muscovy duck in the spring. Mine slides down the bowl like hot, boiling lava.

Ever since I dated a radiation machine (rad-o-meister) my poop nor my body has not quite been the same.

There is nothing like getting about 6000gy worth of radiation to the ol' a-hole to forever render me 'poop' not-so-good.

I continued reading the article to find out that not only is floating a factor but color is as well.

Your poop should be the color of a mahogany couch. You know that warm, brown color that speaks of wealth and confidence.

Upon examination of mine this morning, I could not draw comparison to any couch in my house. I quickly realized that mine is more the color of 'burnt engine oil' in an old car.

Why is this?

I eat good food and drink good wine. :)

I went to speak to Dr. Google and starting putting some pieces of the puzzle together.

Dating a radiaiton machine for quite a few weeks leaves your bowels in a pretty 'fucked up' state of mind. For how long, I do not know.

If the people of Haroshima had radiation after effects for decades, chances are that I will as well.

Upon waking up first thing, I have to run to the washroom. Not a dawdling kind of 'trying' to find your way 1/2 asleep kind of run. This is more of a 'frantic' jaunt as I have lost a bit of 'control' first thing in the morning.

Upon waking, the stop-watch goes off and I've got about say 30 seconds to get there and that's about it.

And of course, after its all done, there is the 'inspection' phase where you're looking for blood or some other 'sign' that Hank (name for my cancer) has decided to come back into my ass for another visit.

Nope, no sign of cancer. All I find is a dollop of black goo that would make the beverly hillbillies proud if it was on their front lawn and not in my toilet bowl.

Somedays, it is worse than other days.

There is nothing like a big, juicy 8 oz. blue steak to wreck havoc on my poop factor.

Within 2 hours of eating said meal, its coming out the other end, Jim, in a stream you'd think was freaking water and not poop.

Its almost as if my body becomes a machine taking solid meat and turning it into 'au jus' in the blink of an eye.

Do I stop eating meat? Nope. I love meat and will not give it up. Ditto for my beverage of choice, shiraz wine.

My poop loses according to the article. Mine does not float nor does it have any evidence of EVER becoming the type to maybe float once in a while. Lazy-ass freaking poop.

Mine sinks like a freaking rock.

Do I care really? hmmm...Well it would be nice to say that my poop floats so therefore I am healthy.

Actually, I don't really give a shit.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Barking at the moon and the trees and......

A bit of background first.

I am a true animal lover extraordinaire. I have fostered dogs, rats, cows, sheep and pretty much everything else. (Yes rats is correct. I don't do cats.)

My locale of choice is in the country and I currently throw buckets full of money at 3 cows, 4 ostriches, 6 pigs, 2 llamas and a shitload of ducks. (some mine and some just friends sleeping over. :)

My dad was a canine RCMP police officer so I come by this trait quite easily.

I am also the person you see crossing the street to pet a puppy or spending 'free time' at the local SPCA just playing around with man's supposed best friend.

Now for the story:

When Freddy and I got together, he expressed a life-long yearning to own a 'Komondor' puppy.

Komondors are very rare and also pretty pricey. (As is all the things we seem to want)

And of course, being the fulfiller of dreams that I am, I go on the big bad web to find my love said puppy.

4 months later including 4 plane rides and a trip to Seattle Seatac airport, we have our 'gem' of a dog. I might add as well that I was interrogated big-time by some guy at the freaking border over this puppy and almost had to sell youngest child to get said mutt accross the line.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we chose the pick of the litter female of this species and she was a cute as a button. We were so much in love.

Fast-track 9 months and I am currently wanting to take her and string her up from the highest tree that I can find and rip her freaking vocal-cords out.

She barks at trees. She barks at birds. She barks at the grass lazily moving in the breeze. THIS FREAKING DOG barks at everything.

We live on 5 acres of property. Our neighbours are pissed and we cannot sleep at night .

So, I start on a mission trying to curb my 'lovely' dog of her habit.

I get a pet-cetera frequent sucker card and blow through 700.00 in de-barking collars faster than I can go through a box of wine. What happended? ABSOLUTELY FREAKING NOTHING. Well except her having a nice collar on while barking.

I take her to TNT dog training. (notice the mention of dynamite in the training academy of choice?)

What happended there you ask?

We got kicked out cause 'barking dog' was barking at mirror that was to be used to make sure all was well in class.

We both got deemed 'disruptive' and out the door we go.

By this point, all neighbours are getting choked and I'm resorting to feeding 1/2 sacks of beer to my spca buddies who are coming to the house. No need to actually know how to get here really. Our address is almost gps'd into their bloody trucks at this point.

So, last night I made the choice to have my show-quality komondor puppy 'de-barked.'

What is de-barking?

Readers digest version is as follows:

1. Put dog to sleep.
2. Cut vocal cords.
3. Wake 'now silent' dog up.

Strangely, I have no ill feelings about doing this either.

The barking will stop. (at least for awhile. How can they NOT guarantee this shit?)

At this point, I'd pay $ 500.00 freaking dollars a year to have this done.

Silence is golden. I thrive on it in the country.

Call me cruel and inhumane. (please check though whether I've saved 84 or 85 dog's lives. I cannot remember anymore.)

Either way, it saves her from being permanently put to sleep and allows us to finally sleep at night.