A bit of background first.
I am a true animal lover extraordinaire. I have fostered dogs, rats, cows, sheep and pretty much everything else. (Yes rats is correct. I don't do cats.)
My locale of choice is in the country and I currently throw buckets full of money at 3 cows, 4 ostriches, 6 pigs, 2 llamas and a shitload of ducks. (some mine and some just friends sleeping over. :)
My dad was a canine RCMP police officer so I come by this trait quite easily.
I am also the person you see crossing the street to pet a puppy or spending 'free time' at the local SPCA just playing around with man's supposed best friend.
Now for the story:
When Freddy and I got together, he expressed a life-long yearning to own a 'Komondor' puppy.
Komondors are very rare and also pretty pricey. (As is all the things we seem to want)
And of course, being the fulfiller of dreams that I am, I go on the big bad web to find my love said puppy.
4 months later including 4 plane rides and a trip to Seattle Seatac airport, we have our 'gem' of a dog. I might add as well that I was interrogated big-time by some guy at the freaking border over this puppy and almost had to sell youngest child to get said mutt accross the line.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we chose the pick of the litter female of this species and she was a cute as a button. We were so much in love.
Fast-track 9 months and I am currently wanting to take her and string her up from the highest tree that I can find and rip her freaking vocal-cords out.
She barks at trees. She barks at birds. She barks at the grass lazily moving in the breeze. THIS FREAKING DOG barks at everything.
We live on 5 acres of property. Our neighbours are pissed and we cannot sleep at night .
So, I start on a mission trying to curb my 'lovely' dog of her habit.
I get a pet-cetera frequent sucker card and blow through 700.00 in de-barking collars faster than I can go through a box of wine. What happended? ABSOLUTELY FREAKING NOTHING. Well except her having a nice collar on while barking.
I take her to TNT dog training. (notice the mention of dynamite in the training academy of choice?)
What happended there you ask?
We got kicked out cause 'barking dog' was barking at mirror that was to be used to make sure all was well in class.
We both got deemed 'disruptive' and out the door we go.
By this point, all neighbours are getting choked and I'm resorting to feeding 1/2 sacks of beer to my spca buddies who are coming to the house. No need to actually know how to get here really. Our address is almost gps'd into their bloody trucks at this point.
So, last night I made the choice to have my show-quality komondor puppy 'de-barked.'
What is de-barking?
Readers digest version is as follows:
1. Put dog to sleep.
2. Cut vocal cords.
3. Wake 'now silent' dog up.
Strangely, I have no ill feelings about doing this either.
The barking will stop. (at least for awhile. How can they NOT guarantee this shit?)
At this point, I'd pay $ 500.00 freaking dollars a year to have this done.
Silence is golden. I thrive on it in the country.
Call me cruel and inhumane. (please check though whether I've saved 84 or 85 dog's lives. I cannot remember anymore.)
Either way, it saves her from being permanently put to sleep and allows us to finally sleep at night.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Dirty Dancing with Pancreatic cancer
Today, I learned that Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer.
The article stated that he has 'little' disease present when diagnosed. WTF is this?
One of the 'gifts' of having cancer is a knowledge about other cancers. We always look for ones that are way worse than the ones that we have.
Pancreatic cancer is a silent killer who does not make itself known until it is too late. The 5 year survival rate is less than 5% and almost 60% of cases are diagnosed AFTER the cancer has mestastised to distant organs.
Bullshit, he has a little bit of 'disease'.
The national enquirer (being the upscale NEWSpaper that is is states that he has less than 2 months to live. Fact or fiction?)
I'm going to go with the fact card, Jim.
I have personally talked to a few people with newly-diagnosed pancreatic cancer and within 3 months, ALL 3 were pushing up daisies.
Why sugar-coat what he has and just let everyone know that 'uh oh', this ain't gonna turn out very well?
Pancreatic cancer very rarely responds to even the most aggressive of chemotherapy drugs and the death is fast and very painful.
We all need to be a little more honest with each other concerning some facets of this insidiuous disease.
The second question to ponder is how in the hell did the national enquirer even find out about his cancer?
I'm guessing some self-serving oncology nurse got a mitt-full of dough to tell the world of Patrick's fight for his life.
Whatever is this world coming to when we can't even have our own deaths to ourselves?
I could not imagine having cameras present while my a-hole is getting radiated to a freaking crisp?
Have we no morals or empathy or others anymore?
I really like Patrick Swayze and I wish him nothing but the best in the fight that he is starting to fight right now at such a young age. (55 I believe)
I sincerely hope that he defies the odds and ends up in the 4% of stats that he makes it to 5 years.
Realistically though, I can't see it happening.
The article stated that he has 'little' disease present when diagnosed. WTF is this?
One of the 'gifts' of having cancer is a knowledge about other cancers. We always look for ones that are way worse than the ones that we have.
Pancreatic cancer is a silent killer who does not make itself known until it is too late. The 5 year survival rate is less than 5% and almost 60% of cases are diagnosed AFTER the cancer has mestastised to distant organs.
Bullshit, he has a little bit of 'disease'.
The national enquirer (being the upscale NEWSpaper that is is states that he has less than 2 months to live. Fact or fiction?)
I'm going to go with the fact card, Jim.
I have personally talked to a few people with newly-diagnosed pancreatic cancer and within 3 months, ALL 3 were pushing up daisies.
Why sugar-coat what he has and just let everyone know that 'uh oh', this ain't gonna turn out very well?
Pancreatic cancer very rarely responds to even the most aggressive of chemotherapy drugs and the death is fast and very painful.
We all need to be a little more honest with each other concerning some facets of this insidiuous disease.
The second question to ponder is how in the hell did the national enquirer even find out about his cancer?
I'm guessing some self-serving oncology nurse got a mitt-full of dough to tell the world of Patrick's fight for his life.
Whatever is this world coming to when we can't even have our own deaths to ourselves?
I could not imagine having cameras present while my a-hole is getting radiated to a freaking crisp?
Have we no morals or empathy or others anymore?
I really like Patrick Swayze and I wish him nothing but the best in the fight that he is starting to fight right now at such a young age. (55 I believe)
I sincerely hope that he defies the odds and ends up in the 4% of stats that he makes it to 5 years.
Realistically though, I can't see it happening.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
A year and a lifetime later
I realized this morning that it has been OVER a year since I posted last to my blog. WOW
I also realized that about a year ago was when I met Fred and my life completely changed. heheh
Coincidence? probably not. :)
First off, cancer update.
No cancer in ass anymore. Hank has now vacated the building and I hope pretty much everyday that he does not EVER, EVER come back into my ass again....:) (yup, i'm still doing ass jokes almost 2 years after having had anal cancer)
January was my last 'check-me-up' and all is well.
It still amazes me though that having a finger up your ass and blood draws is pretty much enough to render you, 'cancer free' for another year. (unless I become symptomatic). YIKES
Walking into the cancer clinic is still a daunting task though. I still have trouble walking by all of the bald people hacking up lungs and wondering 'what' I did to get immediately over it and so far, not have it come back?
Am I a better person than they are? Probably not.
Did I do some great deed for someone that gave me a 'get out of jail free' card? Well, that I might have but doubt that it would warrant the blessing I received.
They say the only thing stopping you from realizing your dreams is faith and hope. I don't believe this anymore as I saw first-hand people in the clinic that you could plainly see as fighting like hell to stay in whatever life they had.
A year later, what have I learned from having cancer. (almost 2 years now in fact)
1. Be who you are and say what you feel. Those that matter won't mind and those that mind don't really matter. Profound but true.
2. Do everything you want to do today. Have a bit of faith in yourself and look around you and quietly think for a minute 'what if you don't have tomorrow?'
3. There is a siver-lining in every dark cloud in the sky. I can so attest to this.
4. Laugh and jump and hug people more. Be nicer to people you see. Say hi to make someone's day. Help someone out or at least offer to. Shut up and listen. If you are not listening, you are not learning.
Ok, now that I've done the 'profound' beadyism, an update on my life in point form.
What a difference a year makes.
1. I went from a single mom with 2 small kids to living on a big, 'kick-ass' acerage where all of the animals that I've ever wanted are happily grazing outside.
2. I went from dating 'smucks' to living with undoubtedly one of the nicest human beings one could ever have the opportunity to meet. (with full legal co-habitation agreement in place I might add. Gotta protect those kidlettes)
3. I went from a single mom to a step mom of 2 other kids. Can you say, 'busy?'
4. I went from a person whom everyone liked to a person Fred's ex would rather see dead. I find it so wrong that not being a 'crack-head' would warrant such loathing.
I choose to take the high road here though and just 'dream' about hollow-point bullets and kick-ass scopes on guns. Good Beady. Good Beady.
5. I go from having periods every month to having not had one in almost 2 years now. At first, it made me somewhat sad. Now, I barely think about it as I'm buying feminine hygiene products for my daughter.
My life is awesome.
The return from Oz was a journey I would not wish on 'anyone'. (even Atilla, the ex).
I will however say that if I could turn back the clock, I'm leave it alone and let it happen all over again. (ground hog day thing)
Why would I do this?
The key to 'getting' over things in our lives is the realization that the positives far out-weigh the negatives and the good wins everytime in all situations that we find ourselves in.
If I did not have cancer, I would not have met Freddy. If I never met Freddy, I would not have ostriches. If I did not have ostritches, I would never have realized how fascinating......you get the picture?
I beat cancer and in some small way, cancer also beat me.
It beat the pessimistic nature I had a little bit of a few years ago. It beat the self-doubt that I had a little bit of. It beat the 'what ifs' that I had coursing through my mind a long time ago.
Not many people get second chances. Most see the tires of the bus before becoming flattended.
That's it and then you're dead.
I went to the brink and stood on the edge and then finally backed away from the edge and am forever grateful for doing so.
I also realized that about a year ago was when I met Fred and my life completely changed. heheh
Coincidence? probably not. :)
First off, cancer update.
No cancer in ass anymore. Hank has now vacated the building and I hope pretty much everyday that he does not EVER, EVER come back into my ass again....:) (yup, i'm still doing ass jokes almost 2 years after having had anal cancer)
January was my last 'check-me-up' and all is well.
It still amazes me though that having a finger up your ass and blood draws is pretty much enough to render you, 'cancer free' for another year. (unless I become symptomatic). YIKES
Walking into the cancer clinic is still a daunting task though. I still have trouble walking by all of the bald people hacking up lungs and wondering 'what' I did to get immediately over it and so far, not have it come back?
Am I a better person than they are? Probably not.
Did I do some great deed for someone that gave me a 'get out of jail free' card? Well, that I might have but doubt that it would warrant the blessing I received.
They say the only thing stopping you from realizing your dreams is faith and hope. I don't believe this anymore as I saw first-hand people in the clinic that you could plainly see as fighting like hell to stay in whatever life they had.
A year later, what have I learned from having cancer. (almost 2 years now in fact)
1. Be who you are and say what you feel. Those that matter won't mind and those that mind don't really matter. Profound but true.
2. Do everything you want to do today. Have a bit of faith in yourself and look around you and quietly think for a minute 'what if you don't have tomorrow?'
3. There is a siver-lining in every dark cloud in the sky. I can so attest to this.
4. Laugh and jump and hug people more. Be nicer to people you see. Say hi to make someone's day. Help someone out or at least offer to. Shut up and listen. If you are not listening, you are not learning.
Ok, now that I've done the 'profound' beadyism, an update on my life in point form.
What a difference a year makes.
1. I went from a single mom with 2 small kids to living on a big, 'kick-ass' acerage where all of the animals that I've ever wanted are happily grazing outside.
2. I went from dating 'smucks' to living with undoubtedly one of the nicest human beings one could ever have the opportunity to meet. (with full legal co-habitation agreement in place I might add. Gotta protect those kidlettes)
3. I went from a single mom to a step mom of 2 other kids. Can you say, 'busy?'
4. I went from a person whom everyone liked to a person Fred's ex would rather see dead. I find it so wrong that not being a 'crack-head' would warrant such loathing.
I choose to take the high road here though and just 'dream' about hollow-point bullets and kick-ass scopes on guns. Good Beady. Good Beady.
5. I go from having periods every month to having not had one in almost 2 years now. At first, it made me somewhat sad. Now, I barely think about it as I'm buying feminine hygiene products for my daughter.
My life is awesome.
The return from Oz was a journey I would not wish on 'anyone'. (even Atilla, the ex).
I will however say that if I could turn back the clock, I'm leave it alone and let it happen all over again. (ground hog day thing)
Why would I do this?
The key to 'getting' over things in our lives is the realization that the positives far out-weigh the negatives and the good wins everytime in all situations that we find ourselves in.
If I did not have cancer, I would not have met Freddy. If I never met Freddy, I would not have ostriches. If I did not have ostritches, I would never have realized how fascinating......you get the picture?
I beat cancer and in some small way, cancer also beat me.
It beat the pessimistic nature I had a little bit of a few years ago. It beat the self-doubt that I had a little bit of. It beat the 'what ifs' that I had coursing through my mind a long time ago.
Not many people get second chances. Most see the tires of the bus before becoming flattended.
That's it and then you're dead.
I went to the brink and stood on the edge and then finally backed away from the edge and am forever grateful for doing so.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Screw you Lance Armstrong :)
The worst place for a self-professed 'road biker' to get cancer is in the butt. No ifs ands or butts about it.
Recovery is a bitch. I cannot bike.
I'm assuming its cause of all of the radiation that I received but I'm beyond feeling sloth-like and I have been like that for quite some time.
I was biking 120 miles a week before I was diagnosed in July of 06.
Get diagnosed, life goes to shit and you get a free coupon to some nasty, toxic drugs and you spend months trying to get over the effects of those.
Or better yet, get almost 5000 cGys of radiation to your pelvis and see how stiff that is gonna make your legs.
While you're at it, let's huck in some premature, immediate menopause and make the whole 'cancer' experience really interesting.
"Um, how is my body going to deal with all this? What will I experience?" you ask holding your hands cause they are shaking so much. You are completely frightened of that "chemo" word. You've heard the stories that happened to a friend of a friend.
"Everyone is different", they say cause they are so scared of getting sued I think.
"Will I lose my hair?" I ask like it really matters if you have your hair when you are fighting for your life here...
I never lost my hair nor did I expect to. I decided that was NOT going to happen to me.
"You'll feel almost human 12 months after treatment has ended" they said.
Its been 6 weeks post treatment for me and not only am I out running and have a membership at a gym working out, I also do yoga and pilates.
I've just last week started biking again and although its against my doctor's advice, I've decided to do what feels right for me.
I am a bike-rider through and through. I might as well be dead if I cannot take my bike out of my bedroom and put a few miles on the girl and then put her back just as gently as I rode her that day.
I am a cardio FREAK as well as a carb FREAK. This is a perfect combination of person to be. :)
Picking a 'fitness' goal was a priority today at the first meeting EVER with my very own personal trainer.
Trina reviewed my history and once she picked her jaw up off of the ground, she took my measurements and bmi etc.
Body fat is 23% and my bmi is a normal 23 as well.
I'd like to try a triathelon next year although that sounds so absurd and flighty. There is a secret part of me that wants to do a bit more 'stuff' before I'm done here on this round of the game of life.
I'm as healthy as I have ever been and yet I still carry the cross of having 'had' cancer and that might be influencing me to buy 'alpine' squirrel bread and get in the best damn body shape that I've ever been.
Lance Armstrong had testicular cancer and maybe that was what motivated him to go back and do it again after he fumbled and almost fell to the ground with his cancer.
Maybe the thought of never doing something again really does make us get back up and not only do it again but do it even better.
Recovery is a bitch. I cannot bike.
I'm assuming its cause of all of the radiation that I received but I'm beyond feeling sloth-like and I have been like that for quite some time.
I was biking 120 miles a week before I was diagnosed in July of 06.
Get diagnosed, life goes to shit and you get a free coupon to some nasty, toxic drugs and you spend months trying to get over the effects of those.
Or better yet, get almost 5000 cGys of radiation to your pelvis and see how stiff that is gonna make your legs.
While you're at it, let's huck in some premature, immediate menopause and make the whole 'cancer' experience really interesting.
"Um, how is my body going to deal with all this? What will I experience?" you ask holding your hands cause they are shaking so much. You are completely frightened of that "chemo" word. You've heard the stories that happened to a friend of a friend.
"Everyone is different", they say cause they are so scared of getting sued I think.
"Will I lose my hair?" I ask like it really matters if you have your hair when you are fighting for your life here...
I never lost my hair nor did I expect to. I decided that was NOT going to happen to me.
"You'll feel almost human 12 months after treatment has ended" they said.
Its been 6 weeks post treatment for me and not only am I out running and have a membership at a gym working out, I also do yoga and pilates.
I've just last week started biking again and although its against my doctor's advice, I've decided to do what feels right for me.
I am a bike-rider through and through. I might as well be dead if I cannot take my bike out of my bedroom and put a few miles on the girl and then put her back just as gently as I rode her that day.
I am a cardio FREAK as well as a carb FREAK. This is a perfect combination of person to be. :)
Picking a 'fitness' goal was a priority today at the first meeting EVER with my very own personal trainer.
Trina reviewed my history and once she picked her jaw up off of the ground, she took my measurements and bmi etc.
Body fat is 23% and my bmi is a normal 23 as well.
I'd like to try a triathelon next year although that sounds so absurd and flighty. There is a secret part of me that wants to do a bit more 'stuff' before I'm done here on this round of the game of life.
I'm as healthy as I have ever been and yet I still carry the cross of having 'had' cancer and that might be influencing me to buy 'alpine' squirrel bread and get in the best damn body shape that I've ever been.
Lance Armstrong had testicular cancer and maybe that was what motivated him to go back and do it again after he fumbled and almost fell to the ground with his cancer.
Maybe the thought of never doing something again really does make us get back up and not only do it again but do it even better.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Adversity vs. Character
We have all heard the expression, "Adversity breeds character".
Today I was thinking about the meaning of this and how it relates to WHO I have become after my short fight with the cancer fairy.
This fight would definitely fit into the adversity pot so I guess that builds my character right? Is it really that simple?
We always hear of some poor lass going through something quite 'hellish' to you and I and coming out at the end of the day freaking glowing with an aura we all wished we had.
Mother Theresa grew up in the ghettos going through hellish conditions and she died trying to save the poor.
Why is it that in order for us to become 'nicer' people, we have to go through such horror stories which proves our worth to go out and do good in the world?
I think the answer to part of the why is to be found in the number of these 'events' we can tolerate in our lifetimes and how we deal with them when they do.
Cancer would fall into one of those life-altering events which when completed, make us step back and re-evaluate EVERYTHING which we've done.
Maybe this by itself makes us nicer people. When we go back and let go of our pasts and look to improve our futures, it does make us calmer which should make us nicer. :)
I correspond to people all over North America who have had cancer. Some of these people have finished their treatment and are only offering me a bit of wisdom or experience. Most of them however are just going through the 'holy shit' stage and looking for someone, no, anyone to hear them out and calm their fears.
Some of these people will become dear friends for life and some will only be around long enough to find the strength to do it by themselves.
A lot of people stricken with cancer have nowhere to go. Cancer support is 'available' but not initiated. This is so wrong.
How can anyone think that someone with cancer should have the option of having someone to talk to? Shouldn't it be mandatory that you do? How can you not need to talk to someone?
Once cancer treatment is finished, the victims are shuffled out the door with raw-red asses or missing limbs and told to come back in 3 months for re-evaluation.
They go home with a 'red' card to call in case of emergencies and they sit in their front rooms and they look at the clock and they listen to their bodies and they get scared. They are completely cut off from the life-saving dudes that were their best buddies only days ago.
I was that girl who shuffled outside so scared of the future but I decided to do something about it.
I educated myself on my cancer and I got together some questions and I decided to alleviate my fears. I met with my doctors and I demanded them to help me find resources to help myself.
When this feat was accomplished, I sat back and one night decided that I could do this for other people going through their own fights with their own beast on-board.
In a lot of ways, a cancer is a cancer is a cancer....
Am I a nicer person? Yup, I am.
Am I like Mother Theresa? Nope, I'm not.
I'm just an everyday single mom who went through a long tunnel but never once lost sight of the glow of the end of it and I decided to make a difference.
It doesn't really matter if the difference is big or small at this point.
I just want to lay in bed tonight and think about the good that I did today and ponder how better it will be tomorrow.
Today I was thinking about the meaning of this and how it relates to WHO I have become after my short fight with the cancer fairy.
This fight would definitely fit into the adversity pot so I guess that builds my character right? Is it really that simple?
We always hear of some poor lass going through something quite 'hellish' to you and I and coming out at the end of the day freaking glowing with an aura we all wished we had.
Mother Theresa grew up in the ghettos going through hellish conditions and she died trying to save the poor.
Why is it that in order for us to become 'nicer' people, we have to go through such horror stories which proves our worth to go out and do good in the world?
I think the answer to part of the why is to be found in the number of these 'events' we can tolerate in our lifetimes and how we deal with them when they do.
Cancer would fall into one of those life-altering events which when completed, make us step back and re-evaluate EVERYTHING which we've done.
Maybe this by itself makes us nicer people. When we go back and let go of our pasts and look to improve our futures, it does make us calmer which should make us nicer. :)
I correspond to people all over North America who have had cancer. Some of these people have finished their treatment and are only offering me a bit of wisdom or experience. Most of them however are just going through the 'holy shit' stage and looking for someone, no, anyone to hear them out and calm their fears.
Some of these people will become dear friends for life and some will only be around long enough to find the strength to do it by themselves.
A lot of people stricken with cancer have nowhere to go. Cancer support is 'available' but not initiated. This is so wrong.
How can anyone think that someone with cancer should have the option of having someone to talk to? Shouldn't it be mandatory that you do? How can you not need to talk to someone?
Once cancer treatment is finished, the victims are shuffled out the door with raw-red asses or missing limbs and told to come back in 3 months for re-evaluation.
They go home with a 'red' card to call in case of emergencies and they sit in their front rooms and they look at the clock and they listen to their bodies and they get scared. They are completely cut off from the life-saving dudes that were their best buddies only days ago.
I was that girl who shuffled outside so scared of the future but I decided to do something about it.
I educated myself on my cancer and I got together some questions and I decided to alleviate my fears. I met with my doctors and I demanded them to help me find resources to help myself.
When this feat was accomplished, I sat back and one night decided that I could do this for other people going through their own fights with their own beast on-board.
In a lot of ways, a cancer is a cancer is a cancer....
Am I a nicer person? Yup, I am.
Am I like Mother Theresa? Nope, I'm not.
I'm just an everyday single mom who went through a long tunnel but never once lost sight of the glow of the end of it and I decided to make a difference.
It doesn't really matter if the difference is big or small at this point.
I just want to lay in bed tonight and think about the good that I did today and ponder how better it will be tomorrow.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
The return from Oz
It has become a nightly occurrence in my house to have a bubble bath.
During my cancer treatment, I literally lived in the bathtub finding relief from the radiation burns.
They say it takes 6 weeks of doing something to make it a habit and after being immersed in it for up to 5 hours a day for weeks on end, my habit was born.
Last night bathing with my son in the jacuzzi tub with overflowing bubbles, I happened to notice something.
My pubic hair is growing back !!
Its not my normal shade of blondy/red but like a peach-fuzz of sorts and I see tiny little hairs peeking through the skin. Its almost as if the hairs realize that there is no more radiation and they are seeing the glow from the sun for the first time in a long time.
This got me thinking about how 'fuzzy' in some ways this whole cancer experience has become.
Sure, I remember the radiation and I remember the gut-wrenching fear that I was experiencing but its as if the whole cancer show is retreating back somewhere inside me and finding a comfy place to call its new home.
I no longer get those episodes where I'd sit on the couch and bow my head almost crying. I'd have that feeling as if your stomach was right by your throat and you were going to puke at any second.
I realized yesterday that I hadn't had one is weeks and I hardly even noticed. How could I not notice this? I'd been waiting for them to go away for so long. Its as if life slowly comes back so gently and surely that you don't even get a chance to be afraid of it anymore.
My energy level is almost back to normal and I am shocked that I did not realize how sick I actually felt about 6 months ago before diagnosis. How could I not have known?
My days are now filled with getting used to a new career and fostering dogs and looking after my family and sometimes its as if I didn't even have cancer.
I will never forget how I felt nor will I ever forget the fact that I feel betrayed by my own body which I trusted explicitly only 6 months ago.
The door that I've emerged from is almost closed. There are a few things that still need to find their place in my mind but each day I find them less invasive and hardly beckoning for my attention.
Goodbye Oz and goodbye Dorothy.
You have taught me some very important lessons but the time has come to again seize my life back and relish in the newly sprouting pubic hair.
Spring is almost here and I see so many other doors in front of me that need some attention.
During my cancer treatment, I literally lived in the bathtub finding relief from the radiation burns.
They say it takes 6 weeks of doing something to make it a habit and after being immersed in it for up to 5 hours a day for weeks on end, my habit was born.
Last night bathing with my son in the jacuzzi tub with overflowing bubbles, I happened to notice something.
My pubic hair is growing back !!
Its not my normal shade of blondy/red but like a peach-fuzz of sorts and I see tiny little hairs peeking through the skin. Its almost as if the hairs realize that there is no more radiation and they are seeing the glow from the sun for the first time in a long time.
This got me thinking about how 'fuzzy' in some ways this whole cancer experience has become.
Sure, I remember the radiation and I remember the gut-wrenching fear that I was experiencing but its as if the whole cancer show is retreating back somewhere inside me and finding a comfy place to call its new home.
I no longer get those episodes where I'd sit on the couch and bow my head almost crying. I'd have that feeling as if your stomach was right by your throat and you were going to puke at any second.
I realized yesterday that I hadn't had one is weeks and I hardly even noticed. How could I not notice this? I'd been waiting for them to go away for so long. Its as if life slowly comes back so gently and surely that you don't even get a chance to be afraid of it anymore.
My energy level is almost back to normal and I am shocked that I did not realize how sick I actually felt about 6 months ago before diagnosis. How could I not have known?
My days are now filled with getting used to a new career and fostering dogs and looking after my family and sometimes its as if I didn't even have cancer.
I will never forget how I felt nor will I ever forget the fact that I feel betrayed by my own body which I trusted explicitly only 6 months ago.
The door that I've emerged from is almost closed. There are a few things that still need to find their place in my mind but each day I find them less invasive and hardly beckoning for my attention.
Goodbye Oz and goodbye Dorothy.
You have taught me some very important lessons but the time has come to again seize my life back and relish in the newly sprouting pubic hair.
Spring is almost here and I see so many other doors in front of me that need some attention.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
I'm beginning to move forward
Its quite remarkable how we have the ability to fall back into our lives after cancer and get back on the bus.
I'm beginning to look at my clothes again and I'm beginning to prefer the stiletto boots over the comfy outdoor slippers lined with sheep-wool that were the staple of my fashion diet as of late.
Gone are the basic black and pearls that I used to wear. Bright yellows and greens and anything that says 'lively' has now replaced most of the black.
I have spent a gazillion dollars on e-bay buying packaging for the new 'me' and it feels wonderful. The emerald solitaire earrings caught my eye and I spent 3 days outbidding a lady aptly named 'newgirl' for a pair of antique mined diamond studs that I absolutely had to have.
I stand in front of the mirror critiquing my form and making small mental notes of things that I would like to change and how to go about it. I even did some yoga today.
The body is a wonderful thing. The way that it can heal after undergoing toxic drugs and radiation never ceases to amaze me.
Its sometimes like I've never had cancer at all.
Tomorrow I wake up and go to my new job getting trained to help others going through their own health issues and I feel so good about that.
I want to look my best because I feel the best that I have ever felt in a long time.
I'm not in pain anymore and I'm not dragging myself to chemo or radiation or to see some other doctor for something or another.
My life is calm and it is has personal purpose.
I can't think of anything else that I would like to have for today other than that.
I'm beginning to look at my clothes again and I'm beginning to prefer the stiletto boots over the comfy outdoor slippers lined with sheep-wool that were the staple of my fashion diet as of late.
Gone are the basic black and pearls that I used to wear. Bright yellows and greens and anything that says 'lively' has now replaced most of the black.
I have spent a gazillion dollars on e-bay buying packaging for the new 'me' and it feels wonderful. The emerald solitaire earrings caught my eye and I spent 3 days outbidding a lady aptly named 'newgirl' for a pair of antique mined diamond studs that I absolutely had to have.
I stand in front of the mirror critiquing my form and making small mental notes of things that I would like to change and how to go about it. I even did some yoga today.
The body is a wonderful thing. The way that it can heal after undergoing toxic drugs and radiation never ceases to amaze me.
Its sometimes like I've never had cancer at all.
Tomorrow I wake up and go to my new job getting trained to help others going through their own health issues and I feel so good about that.
I want to look my best because I feel the best that I have ever felt in a long time.
I'm not in pain anymore and I'm not dragging myself to chemo or radiation or to see some other doctor for something or another.
My life is calm and it is has personal purpose.
I can't think of anything else that I would like to have for today other than that.
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