The beat goes on....

I am shocked that I've left this blog for almost two years now without a post.

Two years ago, I decided that the end was necessary for this book and I wanted to move forward. I wanted it to be a legacy about having gone through the thing called 'cancer' and walk away a survivor and not look back.

Sadly, it never goes away and maybe that's best for the things in life that happen and take your breath away for years. Does it really ever come back?

After five years, I still search out bathrooms and where they are as I need them all of the time. This is due to the radiation damage I received although I'm one of the lucky ones having had benefit of IMRT radiation. For that, I am grateful.

I have no sexual desire to speak of and for that I am sad. I miss that part of my life but accept that actually having a life is more important. I remember crying that I would have no more children as my ovaries were radiated and yet today, being with and holding my son is way more important to me now and that makes me sad too.

Complaints will not come from my doing 20-30 stalls a day for the horses that I love although its' tough sometimes and yet I've chosen this life that I lead and being able to do what I do is a wonderful thing in my soul and the souls of the people around me.

Although I don't get check-ups anymore, I listen to my body and I wonder if she will fail me once more although I don't dwell on it often. I sometimes do though.

I am now considered cured as I'm made it past five years and yet the word will never come out of my mouth as I will never say it. It might jinx me.

Cancer has made me look deep inside of my soul and ultimately, I became a wonderful human being with love that I would never have seen if I never danced with 'cancer' and for that I am grateful.

I thought that the book had been written with my blog on my cancer treatment and tonight I saw that it needed at least one more entry.

The entry needed to be about being around after five years and having a wonderful life and being one of those that saw the edge and came back and instead of getting on with their lives, decided instead to empower at least one person to think that it could be done.

The last man standing.

A significant date is fast approaching in my life after survived cancer.

The 3 year mark without recurrence is a milestone of sorts although one can never be sure that 'hank' won't come back for another dance with me.

Statistically, I should have never got this type of cancer.

I am one of 3133 cases reported in North America the year that I was diagnosed. My cancer was exceptionally rare.

My tumor, "Hank" was also very rare. By the time that he was discovered and uncloaked for what he really was, he'd already developed to 6 cm which is about the size of a small lime. This is a great fighting weight for a squamous cell carcinoma.

After undergoing numerous CT and PET scans, it was determined that he liked being alone and he hadn't infiltrated into my lymph nodes or through my rectal wall.

Hank being diagnosed as a bit 'weird' allowed me to be eligible to participate in a 'gene' therapy of sorts to improve my chances of surviving. How does one say 'no' to something like that? One never realizes how much they have to lose till you see what you will lose.

I knew there were about a dozen participants although I never met any of them to share stories and expectations. Maybe the research kept it like that? Maybe we were never supposed to talk to compare our stories.

I was closely tracked till a few months back. My oncologists kicked me to the curb with a great big smile and a pat on the back. I did good they said.

Forever gone are the CT scans and doctor visits. I no longer have to 'talk' to anyone about my lack of symptoms. I only have to submit to blood-work on occasion and check-up for regular sick crap all families have to take care of. I'll never be able to donate blood or organs but that's ok with me. I can live with that.

I got a call from my doctor today just to check up on me. How was I doing?

After a bit of chat, he started talking about my 'trial' drug and and how everyone in the trial has had a 'recurrence' except for me.

WOW

How does one look at that statement? Would you choose the pessimistic route and fall apart or would you chose the higher road and look for the reason?

I've been thinking about it a lot over the last few hours as surely as I will over the next few days. Heck, I'm gonna do some serious thinking about that tomorrow when I'm listening to 'I kissed a girl' on the treadmill at the gym.

What did I do or what happened to make my 'hank' not go looking for dinner when everyone else's 'hank' did?

I'm going to take the optimistic, high-road and think that I'm still here for a reason and hopefully a really good one. I actually believe this to be true. :)

I find it really hard sometimes to just sit back almost 'in wait' for him to come back gently knocking on my door again. One never gets much notice the second time he knocks. Its so hard sometimes to believe in your body and its strength when you've been let down with 'cancer'.

I've followed friends diagnosed the same time as I and a fair amount of them are no longer here. I cried for them and I also cried for me. The lives that are lost and the families destroyed by cancer is gut-wrenching.

Treatments to get rid of your cancer are way easier than surviving cancer. The aftermath is a true judge of your gut and your character. What are you really made of now? Do you really believe in all those things that you said to everyone else? Can you walk the walk to back up everything that you've said up till now?

I'd like to think it was the green cotton camo pants that I wore to each and everyone of my radiation and chemo treatments. Yup, that's it.

Or maybe it was the donuts that I brought for all the staff? Maybe they added a bit more 'ju' to my chemo that day.

Maybe its my ability to see 'good' in any situation no matter how much bad stuff is there lurking as well. Can you see something that is not there? Do you believe in yourself? If you close your eyes and try and believe in something, will it come true? Is it really just that easy?

I considered my 'dance' with cancer to be a mere 'pause' in my life. I gave it the attention that it deserved and then I tried (still am) to file it away to where it should be placed in my life. It used to take up 80% of my time and now its dwinded to thoughts throughout the day and serious reflections and prayer at night when I'm alone and no one can see.

"Hank" will always be somewhat of a 'monkey' on my back and I've put him in a backpack of sorts. He'll always be with me and looking over my shoulder I'm sure. This is ok with me.

The 'caution' flag went up at diagnosis and still remains at top-mast today in fact.

Keep your enemies close. He's always there lurking, waiting for a time and whether its in my lifetime or not, I will never give-up my life.

If he comes back to play with me, I'll be ready. I've played with him before and maybe he saw that I rocked.

God, are you listening?

I go to sleep tonight hoping that my blog will be there for my kids when they are old enough to read it and appreciate it.

They both know that I write but they mostly sit beside me with toys and stories of school and they don't know about the content of my blog and my wishes and dreams for them.

I want them to both grow up understanding that life is oh, too short.

My daughter is such a sweet soul and for that I am grateful. My son is a joy.

I ask God everyday, to give me the time to let Dane grow up and to let me see him get married.

That's only about 20 years. That's all I ask.

We never imagine asking for additional time unless we are challenged with the possibility of not having done that much time.

I know its a lot. 20 years is a stretch in time and I know it.

I will however, keep doing my animal rescue work if you only give me the time to see my daughter grow up a bit more and I'm also asking for a bit more time for Dane.

He's only 3 and he needs his mom for a few more years yet.

And I need a bit more time to love Curt and let him get through the barriers of me and the barriers of him.

Please God, I just need a bit more time.

I say my prayers tonight and I'm getting ready to put Dane to bed and tuck him in and I just want to do that for a few more years.

Blowing out candles.

Today is a milestone for me.

I came into this world 42 years ago today and it was 3 short years ago that 'Hank' and I became friends.

For anyone of you following this blog, Hank became the name of the tumor growing in my body. It seemed fitting in some weird sort of way.

If he was setting up house inside of me, I thought it best to give him a name so that we could get to know each other and be somewhat more brotherly.

A person told me to 'never' name your tumor. That makes him a part of your life and you should never personalize something alien.

I however, see it differently.

Hank not showing up to the party is a good thing for me and everyone involved in my life.

I woke up this morning happy to blow out the candles for another year and I indeed toasted 'Hank' who has been dormant for quite some time. I was almost ecstatic that he chose to not join my party this year.

The problem with the Hanks of our lives though is that they are somewhat devious. They can come back at anytime to join the party and it is because of this, that I always have to acknowledge his presence and his capability.

After 3 years, I am still NED. (no evidence of disease....)

The golden rule is 5 years and I've made it 3/5 of the way. Can I make it the rest? I will never really be safe in my thinking that my cancer will never come back.

We all die will die of something. Pick your flavor.

I will however, today, blow out my candles and kiss my kids and the love of my life and I'll smile knowing that I made it another year and for that, I am grateful.

Happy Birthday to me.

Hank, thank you for letting me beat you for another year. You suck.

Beady

I introduce Max.

In the spring of last year, my friend Calie called me with exciting news.

She was going to have her 'last' baby at 41 years of age.

"Will you come with me and help me bring him into the world?" she asked.

"But of course, my friend. I will be there with bells on", I said.

Last night while sitting at home, my phone rings.

Yup, its Calie and her water just broke and it was green....uh oh...Not a good sign.

I drove as calmly as I could over to her house and picked up her and her husband and calmly drove them to the hospital. I was shaking like a leaf inside but showed only confidence and caring on the outside.

At 11:00 last night, she was 3 cms dilated and feeling pretty comfy about the whole situation.

Not even 2 hours later, she was at 6 cms and her contractions were coming 6-8 minutes apart.

I remember sitting in the chair with my eyes closed at 3 am getting gently 'lulled' to sleep by the beat of her baby's heart on the monitor. Thump, thump, thump, thump.

At her 4am check, she was fully dilated and ready to push.

Its incredulous to watch a woman lose control over her body as she does something that women have done through the ages.

Her body opened up so magically and I watched as this amazing baby popped out of her body 6 minutes and 2 pushes later.

The doctor knowingly caught him as he left the warm confines of his other world and laid him gently on her belly.

I was in absolute awe. What a miracle life and birth really are.

Max was then placed in an incubator and cleaned up from his ordeal of birth and wrapped in a blanket. A hat was placed on his head to keep him warm and he was then given to me.

I accepted the baby into my arms and I held him close as I took in the 'smell' of this newborn baby. I will never ever forget the 'smell' of a newborn baby fresh out of him mom.

As I sat down with him in the rocking chair and cuddled him in my arms, he opened his eyes and I was shocked at the 'knowledge' in them.

He looked around the room and although they say that newborns cannot see at first, I swear that he looked at his new family and he smiled and then he yawned.

What an amazing thing childbirth is.

It is raw and it is powerful and it made me choke back a tear as I held this baby with 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes.

I left Calie and her baby early this morning and came to work.

They will spend the day getting to know each other and develop a bond that will last for a lifetime.

Welcome to the world, Max.

You will be loved.

Repercussions

I have an infection.

It has obviously been there for awhile.

I have to go on some antibiotics for a few weeks each year to get it under control it seems.

Ever since I beat the 'beast' there is a price to pay and yup, I'm paying it.

I got some weird bug and get blood tests every 90 days without visiting a doctor. Please call me if something isn't right.

They called me 2 days ago saying that some 'wierd' level of my kidney thing was not right. I hadn't actually gone for quite a few months. Why check something if you feel good right?

Today, I woke up to feeling a bit 'off' and people noticed at work today that my cheek was super puffy. I didn't...(no vanity here..hahaha)

My doctor though thinks that it is because I flew after having chemo/radiation.

Pardon me? I am invinsible? no?

So, i sit here strangely off 'my game' and don't feel so great and I briefly go to 'my cancer returning' and yet, I have no symptoms of that...hmmm..

Now, I am swallowing crazy amounts of pills knowing that 'nothing' glowed on a PET scan making me think that my cancer returned...

and yet, my whole family is 'freaked out' thinking that I'm in denial and I'm swallowing these pills and I'm hoping that my face will deviate from the 'planet of the apes' thing that is going on currently...

and I know that I will be fine and I wonder...

I thought 'everything that happened in Vegas' was supposed to stay there...

Looking under stones.

The entire world is in pure 'chaos' right now with the new economic climate created by the U.S. financial crisis.

One would think that being in Canada would make us 'oblivious' to this.

Sadly, it has not.

The company I work for had decided that they would start paying only 80% of benefits for its staff starting in March '09 due to the U.S. economy.

To date, they have paid 100%, no questions asked.

My boss gave me the 'message' to give out to others in 4 days.

I thought long and hard about 'what to say' and 'how to deliver it'. How does one go to deliver news of impending doom and try and make 'light of the situation'?....

Instead of delivering the news 4 days later, I took the purely 'optimistic' stance and instead tried to 'lessen' the blow by reducing expenses to a point where the company could still pay the 20% short-fall and still save money.

How did I do that?

I went through every accounts payable file that we had.

Did we need bottled water delivered? Do we need satellite TV broadcast into our showroom?
Do we have any employees who could take advantage of government programs under our employ that would save us money?

I am only up to the letter 'G' in our accounts and I've already saved $24,000.00/year to my company and have in effect saved the 20% of employee contributions made by the staff.

We never think of the money we can save until a time comes where we can actually 'see' what we will lose.

I will bring my own 'water' to work everyday and I will be happy to have a job and I will be grateful that I've been given a chance to make a whole world of difference in the lives of others.

New year, new me

In addition to all my other new year's resolutions, I have also decided to add, "Me" into the equation.

All the chemo and radiation which I had to take in order to get rid of my cancer obviously causes a lot of issues with the human body.

With all the good also comes the bad.

So, in keeping with my helping others 'mantra' that I have going on, I've also decided to start helping myself.

I've joined a gym and a personal trainer and although I'm only a few weeks in, I already feel more energetic and I expect to start seeing some results in the mirror sooner rather than later.

We all think that we have to accept aging and the inevitable belly and flabby legs but I've decided that this is not good enough for me.

If my body can handle all of the chemicals and radiation, it should also be able to take the pounding on the treadmill and the pushing of the heart-rate to optimum levels.

Our bodies really are temples and we should maybe try and treat them a bit more like the temples that they are.

I have decided to employ running, weights, pilates and yoga to get old 'Bertha' back into shape.

I'll report in each month and let everyone know of my progress.

My wish for you Brianne

Brianne:

This picture was taken of you and Dane about 2 years ago.

You are almost 14 and tonight when I picked you up at the airport I was amazed at how much you'd grown.

You blew me away with your beauty and your assertiveness when you came through the gate and I was at a loss of words for a brief amount of time.

The most beautiful of women and girls are the ones that don't even realize it.

I hugged you and we got your luggage and we brought you home and we unwrapped the presents you missed and then we put you safely to bed and I got to thinking.

I know it had to be incredibly tough to be there when I was going through my cancer stuff. It had to be.

To sit there as a kid and not really know if your mom was gonna be there. WOW.

You helped me with Dane and I don't even know how to actually thank you for what you did to help us all when we were going through the 'thing'.

You have been a rock for me without even realizing it and I have so many things to thank you for.

You are growing into someone that I always hoped you'd become and without much effort at all, you are morphing into this incredible, beautiful lady and I am so, so happy.

We've done the 'period' thing now and we're trying to find a balance between you're wanting a 'leopard print' bra and my wanting you to have a beige one.

We butt heads on you're having a boyfriend and my thinking that you are too young for that and yet, your maturity astounds me.

Did it all happen because your mom was sick and you had to grow up?

For awhile, I felt so bad that you had to grow up so quickly and understand and realize that all things end. I know it was so hard for you.

I thought for the longest time that you would be so screwed up from all of the 'drama' of cancer and you mom having it.

One day, not too long ago, I realized that you embraced it and became a better person because of my disease. You stood up to the plate and hugged your brother and me too and you displayed an inner gift that allowed you to just 'handle it'.

You are turning into someone that I always dreamed and hoped that you would become.

You light up every room that you walk into and I am so, so proud to be your mom and your friend and your mentor.

I want you to see that although all things in this world are bound to end, we should embrace all the good and deal with all the bad.

The glass is always 1/2 full and not 1/2 empty and although I see you looking at life this way, I want you to always experience life this way.

The guy that will steal your heart will be an incredible person to have you in his life as you will be to his life.

You are my sunshine and my 'muse' and I will go to my grave making sure that you are as you are and you are just perfect just as you are.

Never take anything less than you deserve and never stop helping other people and feeling good about yourself.

I know that you love Curt and I want you to experience your mom being totally in love with someone as this is what you need to get a bit older and find your own 'fairy tale' of your very own.

Life can be a fairy tale if you let it.

God willing, I will see you getting married in a beautiful white dress and a bit of an attitude and that's what you'll need to get ahead in life.

I want you to continue in our fostering of animals as I think its important to help save something in the world whether man or beast.

I want you to continue to have the quest of knowledge and I will help you as long as I am able to enable this trait in you.

You make me so proud to be your mom that sometimes I am speechless as you are so beautiful and your personality lights up every room that you walk into and I'm so proud.

You rock sweetie. :)

I love you

Mom

I am anonymous

After the kids are in bed, I blog.

I checked tonight and I have logged over 1000 hours writing stories or drafts or trying to make this story of my life a bit more 'prettier.'

No one in my home has read my blog or even knows of its existence. I write at night with a candle burning in the background and I listen to some 'cafe jazz' and I just write whatever I'm thinking.

I go to work during the day and no one ever sees my scribbling down notes or seeing something that reminds me to write about that tonight or maybe tomorrow night.

I see things now everyday that I want to tell and I want to talk about. I want to feel so great inside at the end of the day, that I feel peace then and a sense of accomplishment.

Thus, the story behind this blog.

It started out as a 'secret' of mine and slowly turned into something I'd never imagined.

I can sit late at night and I can say 'whatever' I like and feel no fear of anyone refuting what I say. My grammar does not ever get questioned and I can end a story at any time that I wish.

The 2 hours a day I spend writing has proved to be one of the 'best' things that I could have ever done.

Very seldom we get the opportunity to sit back and really 'see' what we did and thought 3 years ago in time.

It frees your soul and lifts your spirits and you think a bit more about things that you should have thought about a long time ago but sadly didn't.

It gives you a chance to go back in time and try and fix the wrongs and explain the maybes and embrace the positives.

I often wonder why I don't share my blogging world with the people that are closest to me? I am not shy nor do I shy away from my beliefs or things that I stand behind 100%.

I am 'straight as an arrow' and if I think the sky is blue, the sky is blue to me. And yet, I've gone through some things that I really don't want to share with a whole bunch of people although I do here.

The idea of my cancer coming back scares me to my core. I am strong but I live in fear for at least a few minutes each day. I think its pretty normal to feel that way and if not, I'm screwed....:) hehehe

I will admit that I still wake up in sweats sometimes and I do admit to getting down sometimes when I find out another one of 'us' died today and I wonder why I didn't?

The cycle will never end and thus why I write.

I've read so, so many blogs about people with cancer dying that I wanted to do one about someone actually 'living'.

We all hear about the horrors of cancer and we forget about the greatness of having cancer.

I wouldn't wish it upon anyone that I know but I cannot say really that its been such a bad thing for 'me'.

My heart is way bigger and I think that sometimes I glow with a calm and a bit of maybe, peace that I didn't have before.

I will fight it again if the beast comes back, believe you me.

But for now, I will wait and I will be happy and I will write and others can see that yup, there are survivors and sometimes they are anonymous.

The lemonade stand

2009 is almost upon us and I've finally decided what my new year's resolution is going to be.

My goal is to create a virtual 'lemonade stand' to show others that greatness can come from something so normally bitter. I want them to see.

I am going to respond to the lonesome soul on Craigslist who posts wanting a new friend as he has no one. I am going to extend my olive branch and let him see that there is still good in the world if you only look for it.

I am going to show my kids that adversity does breed character. I will show my kids that its about 'what you give' and not 'what you get.' There is oh, such a difference.

I want my dear sweet boyfriend to see that love is something to be worked on and nurtured and I want to show him that its really magical and full of hugs and kisses and understanding and love.

I want him to put the ring that we picked on my finger with love and I want him to see the love growing from within both of us. I want him to see the gentle soul that I have within that is yearning to come out and feel the sunshine and laugh in the rain and jump in the puddles.

I am going to go to the gym and show myself that bodies can be fixed after they have been broken and they can be better than before. So much better than before.

I am going to pay for the guy's coffee in the drive-thru line up after me. He will never see me or thank me but he will always remember the 2.00 contribution that I spent making MY day and not his. I will do this every-time I want a java fix and a 'me' fix.

I am going to learn how to use my new camera to forever capture what is dear to my heart to show my kids what I am about. I want them to understand me and love me and appreciate all that I value that doesn't have a dollar figure attached to it. I want them to have my memories so they too can see what I see is important.

I want to wake up each morning and do something good for someone else and I want to re-live it again before I go to bed. I want to have that feeling of knowing I did something good today. I want it EVERY day.

I want to take every little bit of knowledge that I've learned about others and about me and I want to embrace that and wrap it around dejected souls that need a lift-up to become better and understand the fragility of life.

I want to help others going through treatment that can't see the end of the road. I want to share with them the meaning of 'hope' and 'perseverance'. Its not just about today. Today is almost over. I want to show them how to embrace tomorrow as tomorrow is what we all have to strive to attain.

I want to feel puppy dog kisses and puppy dog breath from a whole bunch of dogs that are happy to be inside, safe and sound in a caring and nurturing home. I want them to see that not everyone beats them or keeps them outside. I want to see the wagging of tails and the bouncing of bodies and I want to feel them curling up behind my legs when I sleep.

I want to learn all I can about dealing with cancer. If I do this, I can help others going through what I did a few short years ago. If I have lived through it, surely I can help others going through it.

I want to show everyone that life is not about money nor is it about the car that you drive or the clothes that you wear. No one will remember that at the end of the day.

Life is really all about setting up your own virtual 'lemonade stand' and handing it out to everyone you meet.

I embrace my task at hand and I will wear my camo and my lipstick and I will try to hand out 'lemonade' to everyone that I meet.

Life is really a bunch of lemons. The trick to surviving life is knowing that what you see in your hands as lemons might not be really lemons, after all. :)

Cheers and a good-bye to 2008.

"Head down, tail up and get 'er done". (another mantra of mine:)

On the 30th day of the 12th month, I go home.

On the 30th day of the 12th month of each year, I go back to the cancer clinic that saved my life. The day has no significance for me really. Its just another day.

The choice of gear for my 'day' is a pair of camo pants that I have worn to every one of my chemo and radiation treatments in my own personal dance with cancer. Call it my kevlar.

I will get in my car and i'll do the drive-thru of Tim Hortons and i'll order 24 doughnuts (no cake ones please) and I'll secure them in the passenger seat till I get to the parking lot of the clinic.

I'll then tenderly support them till I get in the building and then I'll firstly, head to the chemo wing.

I'll check in the with reception but they are expecting me as they've done so for the last 3 years.

The receptionist with smile at me and take one pack of doughnuts and hide them under her desk like a prize cause she knows how many smiles hide in that plain brown cardboard box.

I walk right into the '411 mess hall' of people doing chemo. People like you and I.

I sit with them offering my fare and I try and show them that yup, you'll get through it. I did. I give them a doughnut full of chocolate and hope that they too can have a future.

I then head to to the radiation wing with the second box of comfort and I realize that I get so much out of putting 8 bucks in.

Sometimes its just as simple as a donut and a smile and good dose on 'been there, done that."

We all walk alone with cancer. We are all on a personal journey with learning abour our disease and how we choose to see and deal with it.

We all take our own path and I've decided that mine will be one full of warmth and puppy dog kisses and camo pants and doughnuts and smiles.

On the 30th, I go home and its going to feel so good to know that it was never really bad in the first place. I just thought it was.

Thank you "ME"

I installed google analytics to keep track of my blog and let me see if what I would write actually made a difference in someone's life.

I am amazed that I have reached out to so many people in my dance with cancer.

I looked back this last week at what I had written years ago when my project started and I sit here in awe.

I have readers from Australia and Russia and the middle east and all over, and I have made contact with 311 people out of the 3140 who were diagnosed with my cancer 2 short years ago.

I started this blog to alleviate my own demons and it turned into something which I never imagined.

I never imagined it to be so positive until I looked back and gave it the reflection it deserved.

It evolved into something that I never expected it to become and it is because of this, that I need to thank everyone who helped or helps me along my road of recovery from the beast called cancer.

I could never say 'thank you' enough for what each and everyone of you have done for me. Words seem inadequate in what I have been given.

Nameless faces have reached out to me when I needed it and I have returned the favor as many times as I could.

Cancer survivors have so many stories to tell you.

They have gone up to the cliff and looked over the edge and they've come back again with stories to tell if you'd only listen to the words and read the lines between.

We skip through the puddles with glee and abandon now. We have to. We might not have tomorrow but we sure have today.

Hugs more freely given and smiles more quickly felt.

My blog has opened a venue for frightened souls to seek comfort and send a cry for help to someone else in need.

What started out as something to help me turns innocently into something to help others and that is really what it is all about.

A time will come when I will die and no longer be around to tell my story.

I hope though from the bottom of my heart, that when my kids get old enough to read about my legacy and what I've always wanted for them to become and what I hoped them to achieve, that they look back at what I've written and they smile and they laugh and they think that yup, cancer freed me to become everything that they should be as well. (without the cancer)

Thank you everyone for alleviating my fears and giving me the power to want to do good by everyone else.

Under the mask

Sometimes, I get up in the morning stiff in my joints. Its not from the exercise or the chasing of kids.

Pelvic radiation makes my hips so sore sometimes that they ache without comfort ever coming for days.

I no longer get periods. I believe it was after 7 doses of radiation lasting less than 15 seconds to forever take away my monthly bleeding and my ability to conceive.

It all went so fast in the blink of any eye.

I cannot have intercourse without lubrication. Radiation took care of that. I no longer produce secretions as my glands are all fried.

I must be careful slipping on ice and breaking a hip as I now am 400% more likely to fracture my hips and thus I must be careful.

Radiation increase my chances of getting another cancer in my lifetime by a whole bunch of numbers. Ironic it is that the treatment to cure me also might kill me in the end.

My curly hair went curlier from the chemo drugs that I took. It could have gone one of two way. Lose it or it changes. Thankfully, it was the latter.

I have 4 little 'green' dots on my body to mark perfect center for the radiation beams. I hide them from others as it makes me feel marked.

I shy away from speaking about it as most think you're dying.

I'm not dying. I'm living my life to the fullest. Whatever that may be.

I quit going to meetings full of dread and bad endings and started looking for others who also wanted to live.

I reached out to others with masks much like my own. Others who have gone down a road similar to mine.

We walk as heroes and yet we aren't heroes in the sense of the word.

We are all just masked people who chose to live and are given a second chance at living.

We can't talk to others in groups cause they are filled with the dying looking for help at the end.

We are cured of our cancers and we help others who are not beating the great fight with the beast and then we are sad.

We think of the ending and yet we haven't heard yet that 'it' has come back.

We live in fear of the unknown and we second-guess everything.

We also need healing from the mark cancer left.

One cannot see but it is there and I feel it.

It is under my mask which I present to the world.

I keep the after-affects close to my heart as they always remind me that I survived this disease for another day.

The symptoms tell me that I did it, I lived it and I lived through it and strangely they provide comfort as I walk with my kids today and hopefully, for tomorrow.

Nothing is free and a price is always to be paid and yet, I still hide under my mask.

Does Santa Claus exist?

I remember as a child getting so excited about the magical time of Christmas and hearing stories about the season full of gifts and good memories.

Children learn about Santa and the season of giving and yet somewhere along the way, they grow up and they forget.

They forget that Santa watches them and makes them be good.

They forget how excited they became and how hopeful they were back then.

They stopped believing in the spirit of Christmas and they became less naive about the world and the goodness in it. Instead they became narrow-minded, less forgiving and the sky no longer blue.

All this because they stopped to believe.

They become adults and think Christmas as a time to part with money and then tick off the 'list' they have to get done in a flurry 'cause there is never enough time. Is there ever enough time?

Santa does exist though in the minds of us all and especially our hearts.

I tell my son this each night at this time of the year and this time cause he's asking.

"Is Santa real?"

"You bet darling.", I answer believing it to the bottom of my heart. "He really does exist."

I've seen frail, old men getting chemo so that they can buy just enough time to again see the light in the eyes of a grand-child. All they want is more time. They believe in Santa. They have to believe in Santa.

I too believed in Santa enough to finish up my chemo and be there for my kids. I never would have done it if it wasn't for Santa.

We see more compassion in others around Christmas and we see hope.

The stories of the families getting help when they need it and the belief we can provide in the spirit of the season.

How can anyone say that he doesn't exist?

Our earliest memories of Santa lay the ground-work for a belief in something you will never see nor ever touch. He magically comes at night and we believe the evidence at foot.

Faith arises by believing in something one cannot see.

So does hope.

"Yes, my little son. There does exist a man named Santa and he's coming very soon and he loves you immensely".

"He will bring you many gifts" and you'll grow up having faith and hope and really that is all I ever wanted for you anyways.

Thanks Santa

Dancing with time.

The most profound experience with having had cancer is knowing that you are on borrowed time.

We all have to die at some point or another but most of us only dream of going quickly and not having to endure pain. We cannot fathom death peeking over the horizon gently calling our name.

I consider my diagnosis so special to me in so many ways.

I go to sleep at night hoping that I did all that I could today. Did I kiss my kids? Did I kiss my hubby? Did I do everything I could to make them see how much I genuinely love them, from the bottom of my soul?

In so many ways, we dance with cancer, very intimately and loving.

We endure toxic drugs to pay for the price of seeing our kids grow up.

We endure radiation doses high enough to cause 3rd degree burns and effects lasting decades from treatments.

The survivor does this to get another day, another year or even another lifetime to buy some time to dance some more. We all love to dance.

Our world is so fixated on money and labels and making sure that 'we' are looked after that we forget sometimes about others.

The human hearts grows by giving to others and it flourished under ideal conditions of compassion and optimism and looking at the glass as half full and not empty.

Life needs to be embraced each day to the fullest. Do what makes you feel good. Give someone a coffee. Make someone smile.

If you make someone smile, I can guarantee that you will smile as well.

My mantra is now, "If it matters a year from now, worry about it. " Most of the stuff that clogs our minds isn't gonna matter one bit a year from now.

Your clean kitchen tonight isn't gonna matter next week nor is the load of laundry sitting on the washer.

A hug to your baby will matter though. Even a hug with a kiss. Read the book you always wanted but never claimed the time. Try the blond in your hair that you never had the guts to try. JUST DO IT.

We sometimes forget that life is incredibly short and most times, you don't get the 2nd chance like you do being diagnosed with cancer.

I will never take my life for granted again. It means way too much to me to be able to dance. I need to dance for quite awhile still in fact.

We forget sometimes that life is really all just a glorious dance.

Second chances

Growing up, I brought every stray dog home that I found in the streets on my way home from school.

I always made sure I found them their homes and it brought peace to my soul and a contentment in my heart to do right by all animals big and small.

People who know me would describe be as an animal 'freak.'

A few years ago, I decided to make a difference in the lives of our furry friends and I started doing foster and rescue work for various local agencies.

A dog rescued from a drug-house who found his way into mine attacked me with such ferocity that I realized I couldn't expose my son to the potentials of my hobby and I let my hobby go for awhile.

About a month ago, I decided that I still could make a difference and I could pick and choose my battles.

I have taken on the task of finding homes for dogs no longer wanted by their owners on CraigsList.

My in box gets filled with people looking to re home their dogs and people looking to find a forever pet to bring into their lives and their homes and just love it.

To date, I have re homed 89 dogs and I'm strangely proud of that fact. I am glad that my kids can see what a wonderful gift it is to help give an animal peace and protection.

These 'strangers' come into my home and my heart and the lives of my family and its a transition of sorts for them.

They sleep on blankets in the kitchen with other pets and they start to come alive again and find hope where maybe they didn't see it before in their past.

I drove 2 hours to pick up Rambo, a crazy Lhasa Apso who tonight is frolicking in the snow with his new 61 year old owner. He will never be alone.

Maggie found a new life at a dog-groomer's house and the last picture I received was of her being hugged in front of a fireplace by a 7 year old girl.

Tonight, my house is empty of hard-luck stories. I have solved them all for today.

Tomorrow might find me again trudging through snow, to bring another dog home needing a new story to tell only this time, a great story with a happy ending. The best of stories to tell.

We all should have a cause of our own. A cause that makes us sleep more sound at night.

A cause which causes our chests to expand when we speak of it. A glorious cause where a difference can be made.

I will sleep great tonight knowing that I did a good thing today. I made a difference in the life of an animal.

He cannot say thank you. He will never write me a note nor will he tell friends of my act.

I will however, receive pictures of happiness from my new friends whose lives I've made a difference in and that strangely, is more than enough thanks.

New beginnings

I have not posted to this blog for 6 months until yesterday.

I have read past entries from being diagnosed 2 years ago with cancer to present day.

The thought crossed my mind to close my cancer blog and start something new and something perhaps a bit more positive.

I realized a few days ago that this is my life and I don't want to mask it and deny what it really was at the end of the day.

The read is a good one and its also an honest one. It calls cancer for what it is and I'm actually very happy to have written what I did, when I did. It somehow gave me closure on a few issues.

Some of you know me although most of you do not.

Most of you have never met me nor broken bread with me over a great bottle of a good red.

You would pass me by on the streets without a second glance of a perhaps recognition.

We are silent partners for the most part although I've helped you out and you've helped me as well.

I have changed the background of my blog to plain, simple white.

I don't need to hide behind the scariness of 'black' any longer and I feel now that the smiley face of a different color is a bit more appropriate than the endless black hole I had as a 'mask' for the real me before.

For any of you wondering about my current 'animal' thing, there is an update there as well which should be told and now seems like as good time as any.

I still have 4 dogs as well as a few cats. We have birds in the kitchen which is now also shared by the resident ' pot belly ' pig named Pinky who also has a blankie and a barbie purse.

I took this year off of coaching soccer as I just wanted to spend some time with my family.

I'm still working full-time in finance and rescuing unwanted dogs as a hobby after hours.

This blog will be getting an overhaul and I think its about time to start anew.

I'm hoping 'cancer squared 2' is as successful as the first one was.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

Happy birthday Dane !!!

Today you are 3 years old and you are turning into such a great little man. I am so, so proud of you.

You are becoming such a great human being. You are turning into something that I have been molding in my mind and caressing in my heart.

The love of animals is strong in you, young man and although you are a bit rough sometimes with them, I feel in my very soul that you too will grow up understanding that you have to look after everyone, including animals in need.

I remember you being born 2 hours after I coached a soccer game in the snow.

I remember you coming into this world with 'Santa Claus is coming to town' quietly being piped into the surgery room where I had you via c-section.

I remember Dr. Still being dressed in scrubs with little reindeer all over them and I was so, so scared to have you on my own. I was so scared I was crying.

I sucked it up though knowing that I was strong enough to do it alone after your dad passed away.

I remember being so scared that you had to stay in the nursery overnight cause you were so tiny but you wanted to come out of your cocoon just a bit 'early' and start getting to know me and your big sister.

The first time that I held you in my arms was almost magical.

You looked at me with such an intensity in your eyes that I knew instantly we would all be ok.

I remember coming home and grabbing you and hugging you on the couch after I was first diagnosed with cancer.

I fed you and held back tears wondering if I was going to see you grow up.

It was then that I realized that I loved you to the absolute bottom of my soul and I was going to do whatever I need to do, to be there for you.

At 6 months old, you sat in the bath-tub with me for hours at a time. You loved splashing around and I need to alleviate my 3rd degree burns from having radiation.

It was a 'win-win' situation. Your smile made me go out to the store when I felt like 'shit' to get you a bumble-bee costume so you could go out trick-or-treating with your big sister.

You won all of the hearts of the nurses and doctors at the cancer clinic and they gave you a gold star too when I was all done with my treatment.

You empower me to become a better person and for that I am grateful.

You have shown me the wonderful mind of a child and the most endearing of hearts. You have a wonderful soul and a beautiful love of all things alive.

I have hopes for you and I have dreams for you because I love you. It is as simple as that.

It amazes me how quickly 3 years has gone by. It seems just like it happened a moment ago and all time stands still.

You have taken up such a large chunk of my heart without even asking for it. It just was what it was.

I would like to make just one wish for you on your 3rd birthday and I hope it comes true.

My wish has nothing to do with the amount of money you will make later in life nor does it have to do with the car you drive nor the house you live in.

My wish for you is that you continue to be 'just who you are' because this is what is important at the end of the day.

You lay at my feet right now wrapped in your 'blankie' while I'm doing the blogging thing and I'll finish up and gently carry you to bed and tomorrow we'll wake up and maybe find a hill and go and make some snow angels.

Happy Birthday Sweetie ..

Love Mom

The forgotten

Drug companies are on a quest to find better drugs to cure cancer in people and alleviate the pain in people who are dying from it.

Research oncologists are looking for new ways to increase the chance of surviving cancer and creating new 'cutting edge' ways to treat people with cancer.

The news is encouraging.

Cancer survival rates are ever increasing and slowly but surely, we are making strides in ridding the world of this disease.

Cancer strikes the young and the old. It does not discriminate if you are male or female. Nor does it care how much money you make or how much family you have.

I've been in remission now for over 2 years and while I feel that the scientific advances made in the cure for cancer are impressive, there are sacrifices being made in the quest for a world without cancer.

One of those sacrifices is people like me who are 'survivors'.

Maybe its just me, but I find that once I received 3 clean Ct scans, I was hustled out the door and told to give 'them a call' if I was symptomatic.

I am not the only one who made it past the finish line and I'm surely not going to be the last.

I am another statistic in the 'seers' database where all cancer treatments are kept track of.

My name is never recorded but I know that I am somewhere in the 3144 people who were diagnosed 2 years ago with my type of cancer and now I am in remission and considered cured.

Cured is defined as having no 'evidence of disease.'

I roam the earth with others deemed 'cured' and we aimlessly wander around with no guide to show us the way or help in the form of actually living with cancer instead of dying from it.

I get up in the morning and go about my day and I wait in silence.

The phone does not ring from my oncologist wondering how I'm doing.

I do not hear from the social workers who were so concerned about my mental state 2 short years ago.

Everyone one assumes that being deemed 'cured' alleviates all of my concerns and I sometimes feel guilty for occasionally feeling doubt that I am really cured.

Late at night, I peruse 'cancer' forums and I always click on the posts referring to people who are dying.

I look for signs in their words that will give me a clue if my cancer is now back as well.

Night does not come easy to me sometimes. I awake in a sweat on occasion having woken from a nightmare where I'm told that the beast has come back.

In an ideal world, there would be 'after cancer' support to the millions of people each year who don't get a death sentence when they hear that they have the dreaded 'c' word.

There would be a place where we can go to get help or encouragement or just sit with others who are afflicted by having survived cancer.

The world needs to know that once you survive it, you are never the same.

The world needs to know that getting a second chance also comes with the price of knowing what you really do have to lose.

I get emails from people all over the world reaching out to me for comfort because I've been where they are right now.

There are multiple sites online where you can get scientific data relating to our disease.

We can look at statistics and new treatments emerging that might help us if we ever get our cancers back.

Sadly, there is very little in the way of support and treatment for the 'mind' of a cancer survivor.

We live with guilt not knowing why we lived and a little boy of 4 did not.

We live with the sound of a clock ticking in the back of our minds signaling the end where most would never hear the clock ticking at all.

We deal with the unknown of symptoms from the very treatments themselves who saved our lives.

Every cancer is different and every treatment is different.

My pelvic radiation increases my chance of a hip fracture by 400%. I had to read this. I was not told this.

The whole world is based on what happens 'now' instead of what might happen 10 years from now.

There is less data collected on the after-effects on having been treated by IMRT radiation than what happens during getting IMRT radiation.

We, as survivors are left to roam the world as 'cured' cancer victims.

We are not marked in scarlet letters. We do not glow from the radiation we received. You could walk down the street and not know when you passed me by, that I had cancer.

Its as if it didn't exist at all and I wander in a sort of 'oz' type life.

Its as if its put up on a shelf in a plain, brown papered box and its forgotten.

I am forgotten.

We never speak of the horrors of our 3rd degree burns and we never say how hard it was to get up on the table to have more of it every day so we could live.

We wake in the morning and get ready for work while our hips ache from the effects of having radiated hips.

We go to bed early some nights in a sweat of unknown origin that we know is from chemo that took place almost long enough ago to forget it ever happened.

We walk the earth as heros for having survived and yet sometimes late at night, we cry in silence.

We cry for the death of an innocence that we lost long ago in happier times.

We cry for change. We should not wander alone.

No one should never feel alone and yet we do.

The world needs to hear the stories of survivors. It needs to hear the ups and the downs.

We cannot continue to sweep it under the carpet because we are too scared to hear that there are indeed prices to pay to get a second chance at life.

There is always a price to pay for everything we do.

The big drug companies have to realize that yup, you cured me but unfortunately, I have issues that I live with everyday because I survived cancer.

The oncologists have to hear that although I no longer have cancer on a CT scan, I will always have cancer in my mind.

The end of treatment for cancer and being declared cancer-free is a reason for celebration.

Unfortunately, after the cake is all gone and the hugs have been given and you go on your way home after relishing in your friend's 2nd chance at life, please remember that although the cancer is gone, the cancer survivor is not.

They still are forgotten.